Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] Speaker A: I never been in love before.
[00:00:11] Speaker B: And I'm always here.
[00:00:13] Speaker C: Yeah, I know. I like a countdown.
[00:00:15] Speaker B: I feel like it.
[00:00:16] Speaker C: It's very official.
[00:00:17] Speaker D: Countdown is very official. Welcome back to the podcast, everyone.
Once again, it's Karen Edelson and Andrew Edelson talking about caring for our mom with dementia and all things related to that. Karen, how are you today?
[00:00:34] Speaker B: I'm good.
[00:00:34] Speaker C: My voice is a tiny bit harsh today. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's my frustrations of my morning dealing with my insurance company made me a little edgy.
[00:00:45] Speaker E: Sorry.
[00:00:45] Speaker D: Well, that can be frustrating, as we know. And of course, dealing with health insurance is also a big deal, which is why that's not what we're talking about today.
But that might be another episode at some point.
[00:01:00] Speaker E: It will be.
[00:01:01] Speaker D: We actually. What's that?
[00:01:03] Speaker C: I'll be calmer. Hopefully my wrath won't be apparent. I'm going to shake it off.
[00:01:08] Speaker D: It looks like you already have shaken it off. I think you're handling it very well.
[00:01:11] Speaker E: Thank you.
[00:01:13] Speaker F: Today we got a very special guest.
[00:01:15] Speaker D: You know, we had a bunch of episodes out now, and every time we do an episode it's about an issue that relates to something that we've been dealing with with mom and we talk about our experience about it with mom and then we have an expert or somebody who's also involved in that issue come on and talk about it with us. And then we have some takeaways about that.
[00:01:39] Speaker B: Right.
[00:01:40] Speaker C: We also talk about people who are dealing with their own parents.
[00:01:43] Speaker B: So.
[00:01:43] Speaker C: But yes, it is the caregivers who are doing the talking.
[00:01:47] Speaker D: The point I'm making is that we don't have in any of these episodes representatives from the seniors with dementia class, even though mom does her little cameos here and there, which is obviously difficult because quite honestly, it'd be very difficult to have a fairly normal, free flowing, straightforward conversation with mom. But we thought it was very important to at least reach out to the senior community and talk to somebody who doesn't have dementia, but also has been dealing with dementia in her family and is in the senior class, if we dare say. And that person is our dear friend Sheila Stone, who's 88 years old and the mother of one of my great friends that I grew up with and who I drive to bridge every week and who has become a very good friend of mine. And our chats have been very interesting and really quite enjoyable.
It's not a chore taking her. It's always very interesting and entertaining. She's a pistol. Very still with it.
But she's also older, and she's living in a independent living apartment place right now and does need some help. Recently had a fall and was pretty banged up for a few weeks. Has fully recovered, but she was walking with a cane before. Now is walking with one of those turbo walkers that mom has, and that's an adjustment. She doesn't drive anymore. So she's gone through some of these things and these stages of aging and losing some independence and being very conscious of that process and what's happening.
And it's just a rare opportunity to be able to speak with someone who has some insights about all that experience. And we thought talking to her and understanding from her what that was like and how she's feeling and how she's dealing with some of these things might help us to have a little bit more, I don't know, sensitivity to how we care for mom and have conversations with her and deal with some of these issues. So we thought it'd be worthwhile to have a chat with her.
[00:04:02] Speaker C: Yeah, I love it. I loved going to visit her with you. We'll get into the weeds of that in our after chat.
But you're right. It is really lovely to be able to be. To be able to talk to someone who is essentially. I'm really the same age as mom, but cognitively in such a different position. And, yes, it is nice to hear someone else's perspective on what this aging process is like and even just how decisions are made, what their level of involvement is in those discussions. And I think it was really kind of her to offer us the time.
[00:04:47] Speaker D: Absolutely. So without further ado, here is Sheila.
[00:04:51] Speaker F: But of course, first, here's mom with.
[00:04:54] Speaker D: A little tune.
[00:04:57] Speaker E: All around.
[00:05:01] Speaker A: But I never heard them ringing no, I never heard them at all till there was.
[00:05:11] Speaker D: You.
[00:05:14] Speaker A: There were sighs in the sky But I never knew you knew me.
[00:05:22] Speaker E: All right, so tell me. What do you want me to say?
[00:05:26] Speaker F: We're doing it right now. We're already recording.
[00:05:28] Speaker B: We're just gonna chat with you. Okay.
[00:05:30] Speaker E: All right. You ask. I'm not answering questions.
[00:05:35] Speaker B: Yeah, so I was answering your question that I retired a year ago June.
[00:05:39] Speaker E: And happy being rich.
[00:05:41] Speaker B: I could not be happier being retired.
It was time.
[00:05:46] Speaker E: Yeah.
[00:05:47] Speaker B: I travel a lot.
[00:05:48] Speaker E: Okay.
[00:05:49] Speaker B: Which is why I tutor, because my tutor money funds my travel business.
[00:05:52] Speaker E: Okay.
[00:05:53] Speaker B: So I've, you know, spent a lot.
[00:05:55] Speaker E: And what are you doing with this one? Can you find him a girlfriend?
[00:05:58] Speaker B: I mean, Andrew's a catch, like he should.
[00:06:00] Speaker E: You want one?
[00:06:01] Speaker F: Yes, I told you I want one.
I'm open. I'm looking around.
[00:06:07] Speaker E: Where are you looking?
[00:06:08] Speaker F: Hey, I'm asking the questions here.
[00:06:11] Speaker E: I'm smart enough.
[00:06:13] Speaker C: I know.
[00:06:13] Speaker B: I think you've hijacked our interview.
[00:06:15] Speaker E: I think.
[00:06:15] Speaker B: But this is what I will say. I say this about Andrew over and over. I will say it a thousand times over. Him moving back to Michigan and really being at the helm of the care of my mom has made my life better.
[00:06:28] Speaker E: Really.
[00:06:28] Speaker B: Because I was at the helm of her care for so long and before that, my dad's care. And so having him here doing this work with us. You.
[00:06:37] Speaker E: You like him?
[00:06:38] Speaker B: I do. I do. I feel very lucky. I do. I know you do, too, by the way.
[00:06:42] Speaker F: Aren't you. Don't you feel lucky that I'm your driver?
[00:06:45] Speaker E: Oh, yeah. I. Well, just a minute.
If driver is one role, yes. And there are 20 others.
[00:06:53] Speaker F: What are some of the others?
[00:06:55] Speaker E: Oh, a listener.
[00:06:57] Speaker D: Oh, interesting.
[00:06:58] Speaker F: I like that one.
[00:06:59] Speaker E: Is that a good one?
[00:07:00] Speaker F: Yes, I think so.
[00:07:01] Speaker E: All right. And what else? And you know something? An answer.
[00:07:06] Speaker F: Okay.
[00:07:06] Speaker E: Yeah.
[00:07:07] Speaker B: He's very pragmatic. He'll give you reasonable but thoughtful responses for me.
[00:07:13] Speaker E: And you. Can you put this wherever you want?
[00:07:16] Speaker B: This.
[00:07:18] Speaker E: It's a. It's a male. In my life now, I have children that are males, but they're my children.
[00:07:24] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:25] Speaker E: And there's a difference. And I have one guy here that maybe would listen but doesn't.
I need a listener.
[00:07:34] Speaker B: That's so nice. I'd say that's true. And also, he's not going to tell you something that just because you need to hear it.
Very honest.
[00:07:43] Speaker E: I think this. This will. This you could put in the frontier. He's not a.
He won't criticize.
Yeah, right.
Or have you.
[00:07:59] Speaker F: I. Well, I would say that I can actually, I. I will disagree with that. I can be very critical. But not your face.
[00:08:06] Speaker B: You're critical about her behind her back.
[00:08:09] Speaker F: No, I'm saying, like, I would tell. What. I would switch that to say I would be very honest. I would tell you the straight go.
So. And that might come off critical to some people, but I. I just. Look, that is honesty, you know, But.
[00:08:21] Speaker E: I'm smart enough to understand.
[00:08:23] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:08:23] Speaker B: Yes, that's true.
[00:08:24] Speaker F: Yeah. I'll tell you when I think you're crazy.
[00:08:27] Speaker E: All right.
[00:08:28] Speaker F: Which, you know, it happen from. From time to time. It happens maybe only 1% of the time, but it does happen sometimes.
[00:08:35] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:08:35] Speaker F: All right. We're going to get into some of the questions.
[00:08:37] Speaker B: Why don't you give her a little intro here since we Are here.
[00:08:41] Speaker F: Welcome back, everybody, to the podcast. We have a very special guest today. This is Sheila Stone.
[00:08:47] Speaker D: Sheila is. You know, the.
[00:08:49] Speaker F: The interesting thing about how to introduce you now, which is different than how it would have been two years ago. The first thing I have to say is Sheila is one of my best friends.
[00:08:56] Speaker E: Oh, thank you. Oh, I'm so excited.
[00:08:59] Speaker F: That's the first thing.
[00:09:01] Speaker E: Amazing.
[00:09:01] Speaker F: That's the first thing to say about you.
[00:09:05] Speaker E: And whether you report this or not, you are one of the only people who listens to my crazy thoughts. I don't know if they're thoughts or my crazy suggestions or my craziness.
[00:09:24] Speaker F: I don't think there's a lot of crazy that comes out. There's a lot of. But in my head, it's crazy, but it's not crazy. It's. We were joking because we're going to talk a little bit about dementia today, because, not to switch to a heavy topic, but like, you know, you've got some experience in your family. We want to talk about that a little bit. And we were joking that, you know, I know we talked about this before. It's like, if you think you've got it, I'm not a doctor, so this is not Dr. Tony. If you're wondering whether you got it, you're worried whether you got it, you probably don't have it.
If you're conscious of the fact that you're worried about it, you probably don't have it.
[00:10:00] Speaker E: But the point of that is my mother had dementia. My sister had dementia. So every time I forget something, I think I have dementia.
[00:10:09] Speaker F: Well, we've got it. Thankfully, we've come up with an easy test.
[00:10:12] Speaker E: Yes.
[00:10:13] Speaker F: To find out whether you have dementia or not. You ready to take it?
[00:10:15] Speaker E: Yeah.
[00:10:15] Speaker F: All right. What's the square root of 7336?
[00:10:19] Speaker E: I. Beats the shit out of.
[00:10:20] Speaker F: That's the correct answer, Right? Good answer. You don't have it.
[00:10:23] Speaker E: Good for you. Why somebody would try both.
I mean, I gave you a number.
[00:10:31] Speaker C: We would say that's correct.
[00:10:32] Speaker F: That would say that's correct, too. But swearing in the context of your answer is what we were looking for.
[00:10:39] Speaker C: Yeah, we like the swearing.
[00:10:41] Speaker F: So, anyway, Sheila is my very good friend who I am honored to drive to her bridge games a couple times a week over the past couple years. She also happens to be the mother of one of my very good friends.
[00:10:53] Speaker D: That I grew up with, Cheryl, who.
[00:10:56] Speaker F: Is part of our Huntington woods group. And, of course, you spent the majority of your adult life in Huntington woods raising three wonderful children.
And we're thinking today that we wanted to have you on because we're doing this podcast about how we're dealing with our mom's dementia and we're having all these experts on talking about dementia and we're talking about her and she has little cameos every once in a while. But we haven't really had anybody on who is. Sorry, I'm going to say it, a senior citizen and see, I tell you the straight dope. Sorry, sorry. You're 88.
Face it.
Really, you are. Yeah. Look how spry you are and sharp you are for 88. Isn't that, isn't that a win?
[00:11:37] Speaker E: It is because I saw my mother and my sister and my father all fall apart long before.
[00:11:44] Speaker F: Yeah, well, and this is, you know.
[00:11:47] Speaker D: Let'S just get into it.
[00:11:48] Speaker F: One of the questions I wanted to have for you and talk about your experience is like it had to be so difficult to deal with that. But also were you worried that you were going to get it?
[00:11:57] Speaker E: Absolutely.
[00:11:58] Speaker F: Because they had it young too, right? I mean how old were they when they had symptoms?
[00:12:03] Speaker E: My sister was under 50.
[00:12:06] Speaker B: Oh my gosh.
How did you even know it was dementia?
[00:12:10] Speaker E: Well, we didn't, except that my brother in law put her in a home.
[00:12:15] Speaker F: They didn't know. They didn't have the awareness as much back then what it was and how to diagnose it.
[00:12:20] Speaker E: How long? How? I have no idea. How long ago my sister died, do you know?
[00:12:25] Speaker F: I don't know.
[00:12:25] Speaker B: No, but it was probably, I mean, was she your younger sister or your older sister? Younger and so that could have been 30 years ago.
[00:12:32] Speaker E: We knew it wasn't.
[00:12:33] Speaker F: So she got it when she was under 50, when, you know, around how old she was when she died.
How long was she in that condition?
[00:12:40] Speaker E: No, you know those numbers.
[00:12:43] Speaker F: Of course, that's tough to remember, but.
[00:12:45] Speaker E: She, well, she hasn't seen my grandchildren.
[00:12:49] Speaker B: Yeah, your grandchildren are in their 20s and 30s, so that makes a while.
[00:12:53] Speaker E: Ago she was old, she was young. My mother and my sister. So it wasn't. I mean you, you figure out how did you.
[00:13:03] Speaker F: Do you remember at all some of the things you started to notice with them when they started to show symptoms?
[00:13:09] Speaker E: But you have to remember my sister lives in Chicago with her kids and when she came and sat in my house in Harlington woods, she would sit in the. Living on this couch.
[00:13:24] Speaker F: Ye, that.
[00:13:25] Speaker E: And she could sit there and read the same page, the same book forever.
So you realize, and my brother, you.
[00:13:32] Speaker F: Know what that's like. Yeah, we know what that's like.
[00:13:36] Speaker E: And my brother in law must have.
Before she showed those signs, she must have been showing some kind of sign because my brother in law had such great insurance against Alzheimer's that she was taken care of.
[00:13:57] Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, but still she lived a long time with that.
[00:14:00] Speaker E: Yeah, but was it. You tell me, was that a life?
[00:14:04] Speaker B: No, especially when you're that young.
[00:14:06] Speaker D: But.
[00:14:07] Speaker B: So he moved her into a place where she would get the care she.
[00:14:10] Speaker E: Needed with all of her things, the blankets and the covers and the.
And the whole.
Interesting. The whole room.
[00:14:20] Speaker B: It must have been so challenging for your family to see her.
[00:14:23] Speaker E: Well, I mean, remember she lives in Chicago and I lived here. So if I went once a week and I did go on, I flew on a plate, you know, in the morning, came home in the afternoon. It's too hard to see her for a couple of years.
[00:14:40] Speaker B: And what about your mom? Was she alive during this? No.
So your mother had dementia. From when do you think she was?
[00:14:48] Speaker F: I can't.
[00:14:49] Speaker E: I. You know something I don't know? I can't.
[00:14:51] Speaker B: Were you.
[00:14:52] Speaker C: You were grown and out of the.
[00:14:53] Speaker B: House and adults and kids.
[00:14:55] Speaker E: My mom loved my mom.
Those are some things I don't remember. My. My dad.
My dad was a.
My dad was a fool around.
[00:15:10] Speaker D: And.
[00:15:12] Speaker E: He didn't take as good care or didn't understand who he was.
[00:15:17] Speaker B: So were you involved in the care of your mother?
[00:15:20] Speaker E: Not really.
[00:15:23] Speaker B: So tell us, we'll backtrack.
[00:15:25] Speaker E: Okay.
[00:15:25] Speaker B: Tell us a little bit about your background, your life, what you did for a living, your family. What did I do?
[00:15:31] Speaker E: I taught. You know that and I loved it.
[00:15:35] Speaker B: And what did you teach?
[00:15:37] Speaker E: Anything and everything.
[00:15:38] Speaker F: We got a couple teachers talking here. By the way, you mentioned that. What you were, I think 19 when you met Ryan. Your husband was 30. So you were like a baby when you got married.
[00:15:50] Speaker D: Basically.
[00:15:50] Speaker E: Absolutely.
[00:15:51] Speaker F: And it was later only that you decided to go back and try to study how to teach and be a teacher.
[00:15:58] Speaker E: I did all those things in between with kids and you guys talked about the other day, or somebody talked to me about the other day. I went to. I went down to Wayne and I had two kids at Burton or at wherever they're middle school and I still went, which in many ways made me smarter or less. Less caring about my kids.
[00:16:27] Speaker B: I don't think those two can equate. I think it's impressive and I think it's.
That was a very meaningful thing for you to be doing.
[00:16:32] Speaker E: Oh, absolutely.
[00:16:33] Speaker B: You didn't have to. You wanted to.
[00:16:35] Speaker E: No, in my mind I had to.
[00:16:38] Speaker B: Why is that?
[00:16:39] Speaker E: Because I wasn't.
When I met Ron, he was smart. I wasn't smart and I needed to be smarter than him.
[00:16:50] Speaker F: That's interesting. When did you know you wanted to be smarter than him or needed to be smarter than him?
[00:16:54] Speaker E: No, I don't think after he died, because I absolutely adored him.
It was. I remember I was 10 years old, so it made a difference. I absolutely adored him. And he gave.
If I tell you this, and then you can put this whole thing in your pocket.
He gave me the opportunity to be smarter than him and to do what I wanted.
[00:17:23] Speaker F: That was pretty forward thinking back then, right? It was.
[00:17:26] Speaker E: Absolutely.
[00:17:27] Speaker B: He worked in advertising. Yes. Yeah. And so he was like almost post Mad Men era, right?
[00:17:34] Speaker E: Oh, he was.
There are scenes in Mad Men that I could have directed.
[00:17:43] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, that was very much that life for those men. But those men didn't have wives who were going off to go to school.
[00:17:50] Speaker E: Right.
[00:17:51] Speaker B: Or working.
[00:17:51] Speaker E: Right.
[00:17:52] Speaker B: Right.
Chain smoking and good hair.
[00:17:57] Speaker E: I don't cook, I don't clean. I don't like those things.
[00:18:00] Speaker F: Did you. Do you remember ever going. I'm sure you were at all these different. I mean, also being in the advertising world and it was much more back then.
[00:18:08] Speaker D: I'm sure you had a lot of.
[00:18:09] Speaker F: Smoke filled rooms and parties and when you were telling some of your husband's co workers and colleagues what you were doing, where they're like, huh, what are you.
[00:18:22] Speaker E: Something that you guys don't understand. I didn't have any friends.
[00:18:27] Speaker B: It was sort of a lonely time for you.
[00:18:29] Speaker E: No, I was, I was too young to be a wife.
[00:18:34] Speaker B: True. And because your husband was significantly older.
[00:18:38] Speaker E: Right.
[00:18:39] Speaker B: That's.
[00:18:39] Speaker E: I didn't have any of those friends either.
[00:18:41] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:18:42] Speaker E: I don't have a friend.
[00:18:43] Speaker F: But you're kind of a personable personality. You didn't have friends back then. Why did you change your personality magically one day?
[00:18:51] Speaker E: No, I just didn't let anybody know who I was.
[00:18:54] Speaker F: Okay.
[00:18:55] Speaker D: Interesting.
[00:18:56] Speaker B: So you, you raised your family in Huntington Woods. What led to you leaving Huntington Woods? You kind of moved out a lot earlier than a lot of the. What we call them, the Huntington woods widows.
[00:19:07] Speaker E: I couldn't go back and forth upstairs to go to the bathroom and my kids.
Sheriff still had books again, I couldn't. I couldn't maintain the house by myself.
[00:19:24] Speaker B: So was it your choice? Did you want to move?
[00:19:26] Speaker E: No, I was staying in that house in Huntington woods forever.
[00:19:29] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:19:29] Speaker E: And died there.
[00:19:30] Speaker F: And so. But your, your bedroom was on the second floor.
[00:19:32] Speaker E: Yeah.
[00:19:33] Speaker F: Yeah. So that that's tough. Getting up and down the stairs. Yes.
[00:19:36] Speaker E: On my tush.
[00:19:38] Speaker B: Is that what you did?
[00:19:39] Speaker E: Well, for a while, my, my foot still isn't good, but yeah, for a while on my chest.
[00:19:44] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh.
So your family's worried about you and they suggest a move or did you suggest.
[00:19:48] Speaker E: No, I think they said, mom, we found a place. Okay. And it was fine. I mean, I think giving and you can do what you want. I think giving the way. Giving away the things that were mine and my house's and moving into any place else was the hard thing.
[00:20:11] Speaker B: Sure.
[00:20:11] Speaker E: And I don't drive.
[00:20:12] Speaker B: Okay, so let's talk a little bit about that.
No longer driving.
[00:20:19] Speaker E: Yeah, but that wasn't. When I first moved in here, I was still driving, so that wasn't.
I think you would know better.
I think my children, my children are my caregivers and they thought that they didn't want me driving anymore. No, they didn't want me driving. I hadn't gotten, I never gotten an accident. I did get lost, but I knew how to come back from where, so.
[00:20:48] Speaker B: So you would have continued to drive.
[00:20:50] Speaker E: Had they not encouraged you? I still be driving.
[00:20:53] Speaker F: Well, we can tell you from experience, better to make that decision on the maybe a tad early side than the too late side stand.
[00:21:03] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:21:04] Speaker E: Thing that my children and you don't. I'm very smart.
We can confirm the point being that they might. I have three great kids who didn't want to have to worry about me.
[00:21:21] Speaker F: Of course. And like I told, you know, one of the things, I know we talked about this before. One of the things that I told my mom when we were going through this is like how wonderful it is not to drive. Like when I was living in China and I didn't have a car for 10 years, I absolutely loved it. Like, not having to drive, not having to worry about parking, the apparatus of the car and the parking and the insurance, all that stuff.
[00:21:45] Speaker E: If you want ice cream at 11 o' clock at night, where do you go?
[00:21:50] Speaker F: How many times a year do you want ice cream at 11 o' clock at night?
Me too.
I mean, you always say this is like, and I understand it, it totally makes sense that like you lose and because there's cars that can drive you, you know, I, I help you out. There's all these different ways to get somewhere, but it's the spontaneous decision to go see a friend for coffee or to go for ice cream, that's. That's the one that hurts, right?
[00:22:14] Speaker E: Friends. I don't care.
[00:22:16] Speaker F: No, it's the 11 o' clock ice cream. That's all that matters.
[00:22:19] Speaker E: It's not the 11 o' clock thing. It's going. If I was cooking, which I don't do anymore, and needed milk or baking soda at 11 o' clock at night.
[00:22:31] Speaker B: Did you do a lot of 11 o'?
[00:22:33] Speaker E: Clock?
[00:22:34] Speaker F: Again, I understand the concept of what's missing, but how often, how often do you really need that 11 o' clock ride?
[00:22:44] Speaker B: Talking about the independence, the choice, right?
[00:22:47] Speaker F: Yeah.
[00:22:49] Speaker E: When I moved in here and how long was I here? Do you know how long I was there before I had, before I stopped driving?
[00:22:57] Speaker F: I don't know. I just know that I've been driving you for a little under a couple years, I think. And you, you had been here for less than a year, I think, when I. You've been here about three years maybe in this place, something like that.
[00:23:08] Speaker E: The point being that it's the independence. Okay.
[00:23:12] Speaker B: Would you say that that's one of the most challenging parts of aging is the independence?
[00:23:16] Speaker E: Yes, yes.
The lack of independence.
I get every.
And I might be very like, I get everything I need.
Cheryl has called.
Cheryl's called at 2 o' clock on Saturday afternoon and had food sent at 3 o' clock because I wanted to eat. So I know that I, I think the lucky thing about aging and being here is that I have great kids.
[00:23:45] Speaker F: You got great kids.
[00:23:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:46] Speaker F: No question about it.
You got great kids. No question about it.
[00:23:50] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:51] Speaker E: And I wonder about some of my other friends. Although most people that live here drive. No, they don't.
[00:23:58] Speaker B: I can't.
[00:23:59] Speaker F: I can't imagine that most of them.
[00:24:00] Speaker E: Drive here, but lots of them do and they shouldn't be.
[00:24:04] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:24:04] Speaker B: Well, there you go.
[00:24:05] Speaker D: Right.
[00:24:06] Speaker B: You're not offering to get in a car.
[00:24:07] Speaker F: Oh, hey, you got some of the. You got people here that can go out and get your London pocket ice cream.
[00:24:12] Speaker E: Their sound, they might not come back.
[00:24:14] Speaker F: I'm sure they are sound asleep.
And so I wanted to ask a little bit about your mobility.
[00:24:20] Speaker D: I see your lovely walker over here.
[00:24:23] Speaker F: That the same exact one that our mom has, which is a very popular item.
[00:24:27] Speaker B: Deluxe version.
[00:24:28] Speaker F: Deluxe, yeah. You got the turbo deluxe version, which is fantastic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we just want to ask you a little about how you're doing because I know that previously, a few months ago, you were using a walker and you had a little fall and you had a little recovery. You kind of fell and fell on the, on the noggin, didn't you?
[00:24:47] Speaker E: Yes, and I felt I fell on.
[00:24:49] Speaker F: The grass You've recovered very nicely, by the way. You would never know that anything had ever happened.
I know both physically and mentally, you seem completely back to your normal, spry.
[00:24:59] Speaker E: Self, but not physically. And that bothers me.
[00:25:05] Speaker F: Yeah.
[00:25:05] Speaker D: Because that was a transition.
[00:25:06] Speaker F: Now, I mean, you're. By the way, with this new walker, I can tell you, you're moving around so much better than before. I mean, I see it like. There's no question about it, really. Oh, yeah. With that walker, I mean, with your cane, you were moving very slow and you were in control, but very slow and gingerly, and you. You managed it. But this is a different world. And that's what happened with our mom, too, is like once she started using this, she was so much more mobile. Do you notice that? You're a little bit more mobile?
[00:25:35] Speaker E: All right. Yeah.
[00:25:37] Speaker F: So, I mean, but it must. It's like a symbol of something that's a little bit aging, that probably doesn't feel that good, but on the other hand, you are moving around much better. So does that feel good at all? Do you notice that?
[00:25:49] Speaker E: Yeah, I know where I'm. I think when you do this whole thing, I think I understand that I am older in my. Just a minute. I'm just.
I'm older in my mind than. No, I'm older in my body than I am in my mind.
[00:26:11] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:12] Speaker E: Right.
[00:26:12] Speaker B: And what does that feel like?
[00:26:14] Speaker E: Terrible.
[00:26:15] Speaker B: In what way?
[00:26:17] Speaker E: The.
Oh, you're gonna get real.
[00:26:21] Speaker F: Going deep. We're going deep. Here we go.
[00:26:24] Speaker E: I don't like who I am right now.
[00:26:28] Speaker B: And why is that?
[00:26:29] Speaker E: Because I'm not moving. I'm not driving.
I'm not. I am getting old.
Okay.
[00:26:37] Speaker F: So it kind of sucks to be aware of that whole thing sometimes and be. You're almost. You're two with it.
[00:26:43] Speaker E: That's probably the right answer.
Remember, my mom had Alzheimer's. Yeah. My sister had Alzheimer's. So I passed that. I understand that.
But I feel I'm in the same boat they are right now.
[00:26:57] Speaker B: Even though you're cognitively very with it.
[00:27:01] Speaker E: I know what I'm aware of and what I can and can't do.
[00:27:05] Speaker F: Yeah. I think one of the things we wanted to take away today is because you're so with it and you see.
[00:27:10] Speaker D: What'S going around with all your friends.
[00:27:12] Speaker F: And with your own family when you were younger, is there any advice that. It's maybe too open ended a question, but is there any advice you have about how to handle situations like these big transitions, moving you out of the house, taking the car keys away so you can't. Giving you a bigger walker. Like, is there any advice you have on how to handle approaching these discussions, watching people?
[00:27:37] Speaker E: That's the answer everybody should have. My kids.
[00:27:40] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:40] Speaker D: That's a good piece of advice.
[00:27:41] Speaker B: Great piece of advice.
[00:27:43] Speaker F: I really got to get going on that one.
[00:27:45] Speaker B: But what is it about your kids that makes you feel that way?
[00:27:51] Speaker E: They're caring, they're warm, they're.
They send the groceries.
[00:27:59] Speaker F: The little things matter. Actually, those are big things. Meanwhile, we'll get you out of here on this, and then we're gonna have to. By the way, this is being recorded before we take you to bridge, which is very exciting. Our Friday bridge. You got time. No rush. Talk to us about bridge and how much you like that and how that. What that does for your brain. Yeah, I know you love to talk about that activity.
[00:28:19] Speaker E: No, I like playing. And I remember how I learned and I learned, which is interesting. In the dorm in Ann Arbor.
[00:28:30] Speaker B: Really?
You learned how to play bridge as a college student? That's amazing.
[00:28:36] Speaker E: Why?
[00:28:37] Speaker B: Well, because it's kind of an old fashioned game. I can't imagine kids. But maybe then it wasn't.
[00:28:43] Speaker E: No, we had to sit on the floor. Floor and wait for dinner.
I lived at Alice Lloyd and we.
[00:28:52] Speaker B: Sat on the floor like outside the.
[00:28:54] Speaker E: Cafeteria, outside the dining room. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. And that's where I learned how to play. That's amazing.
[00:29:01] Speaker F: So you've been playing for a while.
So how do you get better at it? Or do you just get to a point where, like, I'm as good as I can possibly be after 10 years.
[00:29:11] Speaker E: Of knowing it, I think. Think I'm as good as I possibly can. And if I'm not tough.
[00:29:18] Speaker B: Do you play other games like Maj or.
[00:29:20] Speaker E: I don't play Maj.
My mother played Maj.
That was stupid.
[00:29:26] Speaker F: Gin rummy.
[00:29:27] Speaker E: I know how to play gin rummy. I could win a gin rummy.
[00:29:30] Speaker B: Who do you play Bridgman with?
[00:29:32] Speaker F: There's like four or five that rotate.
[00:29:34] Speaker B: Right, but people you've been playing with for years.
[00:29:36] Speaker E: Yes. Yeah. And we took lessons together for a.
[00:29:40] Speaker B: While to kind of relearn.
[00:29:42] Speaker E: Relearn.
[00:29:43] Speaker B: Do they. Are these women all your age or around your age?
And are they very with it like you are?
So do you engage in conversations with them or is it really just we're here?
[00:29:55] Speaker E: No, it's conversation.
[00:29:56] Speaker B: That's nice.
[00:29:57] Speaker E: Yeah, it is.
[00:29:58] Speaker B: Good. So there's some camaraderie among them in the bridge.
[00:30:01] Speaker E: Oh, absolutely.
[00:30:03] Speaker B: It's wonderful.
[00:30:03] Speaker E: You even get invited to some of their weddings.
[00:30:07] Speaker B: Would you say that there's a community for you with these people and that kind of where you find some social outlet.
[00:30:14] Speaker E: Yeah. In real. Yes. I have a couple of people that are.
Invite me to dinner, but I. Is that a good answer?
[00:30:21] Speaker B: That's fair to say.
[00:30:22] Speaker F: It is what it is.
All right. Any. Any parting words you'd like to say? Any advice for us that you'd like to give in life or caring for harm or anything.
[00:30:32] Speaker E: Enjoy what you do.
[00:30:33] Speaker F: Oh, that's a good piece of advice.
[00:30:35] Speaker E: It is a good piece.
[00:30:37] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:30:37] Speaker E: And like what? Like, I think better the piece of advice is, like, who you are.
[00:30:46] Speaker F: Well said. We'll get. We'll let you head to bridge on that one. Thank you so much, Sheila, my dear, for this lovely conversation.
[00:30:53] Speaker E: Am I going to hear it?
[00:30:54] Speaker F: Oh, yeah, you're gonna hear it. Absolutely.
[00:30:56] Speaker E: All right. Good.
[00:30:58] Speaker F: All right. Have a lovely time at bridge and we will talk to everybody later. We'll be right back. In the meantime, enjoy Mom's piano.
[00:31:17] Speaker A: Sunshine, lollipops and rainbow they're pretty trick.
[00:31:25] Speaker F: Today.
[00:31:29] Speaker A: Somewhere over the rainbow's skies.
[00:31:38] Speaker D: And we are back.
That was Sheila.
And wow. I mean, what.
She's just so fiery, isn't she?
[00:31:50] Speaker F: I don't know what other word to.
[00:31:52] Speaker D: Use for it, but she's just. Yeah, I think fiery and energetic and smart as a whip and challenging.
And not in the sense of she's challenging to be around, but challenging. And she likes to challenge you and ask you questions.
[00:32:11] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:32:11] Speaker D: Why aren't you doing this and do this and do that? And I don't mind it. I don't mind it.
[00:32:17] Speaker C: You have a very sweet dynamic between the two of you.
I didn't know Sheila growing up the way that you knew her, but I sort of recall her being the same feisty, outspoken woman. It was really nice to see that she is still that same version of herself. I really like the sweet dynamic between the two of you. I think it really feels like she looks at you. I mean, she said she looks at you as a friend and an honest person to give her feedback. And it's just rare and genuine and very delightful. I think it is a really lovely sort of intergenerational thing that you guys do together, that you are able to spend this time together, that you clearly have a warm bond. I really enjoyed watching that dynamic.
[00:33:07] Speaker D: Yeah, no, I enjoy it, too. And it's been a genuinely nice new relationship for me. Like, we have a good time together and we enjoy each other's company and we have interesting conversations. And it also reminds me this one thing I often come back to that Kelly had really focused on when we brought mom into her place way back when, and she was like this dignity piece for seniors. And to make sure that you're very conscious and aware of that dignity piece, let them keep their dignity, even if it seems like they're completely gone and you can't have a real conversation with them.
Treat them with dignity. And I sometimes don't. Sometimes I'm like, oh, she. She. She doesn't matter if she overhears this specific thing about her.
[00:33:56] Speaker E: Like, you're talking about Mom.
[00:33:58] Speaker D: Yeah, talking about mom, like, switching gears. Like. Like, it's really important for that dignity piece to be protected, and you have to be sensitive to that. And sometimes I'm like, well, she doesn't really understand what's going on anyway, so it doesn't matter if we talk about something about her, like, right in front of her. That's just one example. And I have to catch myself and be like, oh, no. Like, you know, treat. Treat her as a normal adult that may not be completely with it, but deserves that dignity.
And, you know, don't sniff her ass in public to see if she needs a diaper change. You know, like, the stuff like that. Like, these are things you can do, you know?
[00:34:37] Speaker C: Yes. We can approach that with subtlety.
[00:34:40] Speaker F: I have, actually, Sheila.
[00:34:43] Speaker D: Sheila reminds us that I think she spoke very eloquently about the things that she misses and how that is part of her dignity.
The message that I got that she really feels sad about losing, and she's doing her best to protect all those pieces as much as she can. I think she does a great job.
[00:35:05] Speaker C: Yeah. I love the way that she spoke about her children and how wonderful they are. And, you know, we know from the kid perspective how much work this is. Obviously, we don't get the positive accolades from our mom because, you know, obviously is not at all aware of what's going on and what we're doing. But I actually really like the fact that mom doesn't see us kind of hustling around her. I think the fact that Sheila is deeply appreciative of her kids, despite the fact that I'm sure it's upsetting for her to not always be, you know, on the front lines of all the decisions that she's. That everyone's making on her behalf. I. I think that's. It speaks volumes to their relationship that she feels that way. I think it's really wonderful.
[00:35:53] Speaker F: And shout out to the Stone children.
[00:35:54] Speaker D: Who do a wonderful job caring for her really? They're doing an amazing job.
[00:35:59] Speaker C: I had an interesting situation with mom yesterday that I was thinking about that regarding her dignity.
I'm trying to get her out of the house on Sundays during that two to five time slot when I hang with her just because I want you. It was funny because I got her out of the house, and then I realized you weren't even home to revel in that joy.
[00:36:16] Speaker D: But, yes, was watching the Lions game yesterday.
[00:36:19] Speaker F: Yeah.
[00:36:19] Speaker C: So I. How did they do?
[00:36:22] Speaker D: They lost, but J.J. mcCarthy did very well, which was the subplot that I kind of was hoping for. I wanted a Lions win, but JJ to play well enough to kind of get his trajectory back on track. I got one out of two, so you can't have everything.
[00:36:37] Speaker C: I can have zero banter with you on this. I literally know nothing, but, yeah, go Lions next time, right?
[00:36:45] Speaker B: That's correct. Okay, good news.
[00:36:47] Speaker C: So I took mom to this really sweet bakery in Royal Oak called Crispelli's, which is just heaven. I've done that with her a few times. And I. We. You know, she wheels in with her walker, and people are very respectful of kind of giving her space to clear the door. And she loves looking at everything and picking everything out. And then we get a cookie and sit and eat, and she likes just seeing all the activity around us. And so we sat down, and she's eating her sprinkle cookie, and she looks over a young family, sits down a mom and dad, and maybe like a one and a half year old. And mom loves seeing little kids. You know, it's one of her favorite activities. And she's just looking and giggling. You know, she giggles all the time. And then I think she must have caught the mom's eye because she said, you have a really cute dog.
And there was no dog. And I could see the kind of look of surprise on this woman's face. And obviously, I assume that people can figure out what's going on. There was a part of me that kind of wanted to signal to the mom, you know, that obviously our mom has dementia, but I thought, well, they're going to kind of catch it. And they sort of gave a look, and I kind of laughed a little and said. I said, and your son is adored horrible as well. And mom kind of nodded. And I thought, I assume that when people are engaged in conversations or interactions with mom, they must pick up relatively quickly what's going on. But I do sort of struggle with the. You know, do I sort of give someone, like, a side nod, like, hey, just so you know, but I don't want to embarrass her. And it usually works itself out. And it was a nothing situation. These people were great. But there is a part of me that kind of feels like, oh, gosh, how much of an explanation do I need to provide regarding mom ahead of time so that we can avoid awkwardness?
[00:38:49] Speaker D: Do you find that ever I've been in those situations? The way I handle it is definitely don't tell someone she has dementia. You just interject in the conversation exactly how you did. Like when you said, oh, your son is. Is. Is great. Adorable as well. That's exactly what you do. You kind of just pick up and. And you interjecting and picking up and obviously taking over for mom at that moment is the signal that something's a bit off with her and it's no big deal. I think that that's. That's an easy one, and people do get it pretty quickly, and you can switch gears to something else that you're both observing. I think that's a great way to do it.
[00:39:31] Speaker C: Yeah. She's funny because she really wants to interject in other people's activities and conversations when we're sitting around them. And I think, okay, mom, they might actually not want you to be directly involved in what's happening. And I try to kind of redirect her a little bit, but it's an interesting scenario when we're out.
On the other hand, I really love being able to take her places and do things with her. I think she really appreciates just going places. You were saying that you take her with you to Sheila's, and originally.
I was originally trying to alleviate that situation so that you didn't have to. And then when Sheila even talked about how much she enjoys having mom with them with you, and that you feel like mom really loves just going for the ride and being, you know, along with them.
I think it's really great when we can get her out, keep her busy, you know, do things that she loves. Even if it seems like it's nothing, it really feels like it's something.
[00:40:38] Speaker F: Well, yeah, and I think that that.
[00:40:39] Speaker D: Might have been a comment Sheila made off of the recording. But to add to that, one of the things she.
The reason it's great for mom to go on that excursion with Sheila is a. Because you're right, she does love just getting out. It's very good for her to be out doing anything, even if it's just riding in the car. And also because Sheila has that experience of dealing with dementia with her sister and her mom.
She's a great companion in that car. She knows what Mom's going through. There doesn't have to be any explanation. There's some very basic conversations going on, and every once in a while, mom will chime in, especially whenever they talk about Huntington woods and how great it is and it's a nice time, so it's good for everybody.
[00:41:22] Speaker C: Great. Well, I'm glad you're doing it. And I'm sure she enjoys it. I took her with me. I took mom with me to Ann Arbor. Halloween at Julie's record. 1800 trick or treaters this year in their neighborhood they live in, which is crazy, and I'm not going to lie. There was work. I mean, they close off the streets. I had to park a couple blocks away. I had to walk mom down the street, get her up the steps, get her in the house, you know, inside and outside, and watching the trick or treaters and then coming back in because it was chilly, and then walking her back to the car after, you know, she busted a wheel on her walker. That was fun for all of us.
It's getting harder sometimes to do these things. And would she know it if I didn't bring her?
[00:42:09] Speaker B: No.
[00:42:10] Speaker C: But do I feel an obligation to do so? Because I think it's the right thing. I do. It's just. It's challenging. So when we can do things for her, like put her in the backseat of the car while you drive Sheila there and back, and she can just love being part of the camaraderie. I'm all for it. And yay for Sheila for being a lovely companion to her as well.
[00:42:32] Speaker D: Yay for Sheila, indeed.
[00:42:35] Speaker F: All right, well, that's a wrap for this week.
[00:42:38] Speaker D: You guys enjoy whatever you're doing for the rest of the day that you're listening to this podcast, and we'll be back with you soon. As always, here's mom to play us out.
[00:42:53] Speaker A: I feel pretty.
Oh, so pretty.
Oh, so pretty and lovely at night.
And you're gonna have a lot of these beautiful things because it's always just to be in your.
