Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: I feel pretty.
Oh, so pretty.
Oh, so pretty and lovely and nice.
And you're gonna have a lot of these beautiful things because it's always just to be in your heart.
[00:00:29] Speaker B: Karen Edelson, how are you?
[00:00:30] Speaker C: I'm good. Andrew Edelson, how are you?
[00:00:32] Speaker B: I'm good, thanks. I'm good, thanks.
Today we're recording part three. It's kind of sad. It's part three of a three part series. Last part, the swan song of this little micro series that we're doing.
[00:00:49] Speaker C: I actually really loved this micro series. I think this was a great idea. We should do more micro series.
[00:00:55] Speaker B: I love it. Yeah. And we welcome your comments on the type of micro series we should have.
One topic we are thinking of and I just want to throw this out there before we intro this one today is.
And maybe we should save this for the takeaways. But I'll just put it up front now.
It's interesting how the three that. Spoiler alert. This one is included as well in this one, Part three. The three people we interviewed for this three part series of family caregiving all seem to have a decent family dynamic and now nothing's perfect. But they seem to be not completely distracted or put in difficult positions. And I don't know, just family.
Family dynamic is not a huge obstacle to them delivering the service and care that they need for their loved ones.
And from what we've heard, as I think we mentioned early on in an episode with Kelly, about two thirds of the time that's not the case. So there's often this challenge where families do not get along. The siblings are not getting along, whoever's involved is not getting along as well as they could. And that makes for difficult decision making, which mucks up the works. And we are interested in that light to maybe have another series down the road where we interview families that are not getting along and dealt with that a little bit.
[00:02:21] Speaker C: I think the difficulty with that is that, you know, I know plenty of people in those circumstances, but they don't want to talk to us on a podcast. So we have to kind of figure out how we handle that dynamic because, you know, it could just be that this is the issue they're not getting along over. Otherwise their relationships are good. And I don't know, I feel like maybe it would be meaningful to find people who would be willing to be honest about, you know, talking on your with their siblings about what the issues are. Maybe we help try to mediate family situations. Maybe that's our new area of expertise.
[00:02:55] Speaker B: Oh, we got it. Figured out we've got the witness protection program that we already thought about with Latrice. So we'll hide identities. It'll be completely anonymous, and even families that maybe get along okay. But there's some issues that really haunt them from time to time. We're going to dig into that over time. So if you have any suggestions or if you'd like to be a part of that. Again, completely anonymous. We have ways of disguising your identity.
Sure. That your brother and your sister will never see that you did this and you're not talking about them.
We'll go to great pains to make sure that doesn't cause further strife within the family.
[00:03:32] Speaker C: Although I do think it would be really cool if we could find siblings who would be willing to say, yeah, this is a challenge for us and how do we solve that? Let's talk about our situations. So anyway, let's dive into this episode of if It's Not One Thing, It's Joanna. Today we are chatting with my very dear friend Jill Schumacher, who I have known forever.
In addition to being a stellar human, Jill is an esteemed interior designer. She's the founder of Raridan, Schumacher and Meo, a very big interior design firm here in the Detroit area.
And they also do huge projects all around the country. And she, along with her two sisters, grew up with us in our small town of Huntington Woods.
[00:04:15] Speaker B: And just a note about Huntington woods, as many of you who might be local listeners in the Detroit area know, it's a very close knit community.
Many families spend their lives there. I mean, it's very common for children to go off to college or spend a couple fun years in New York, Chicago, Louisiana or abroad and then return to raise their own families in the woods. Almost half of my really good friends that I grew up with, who I'm still good friends with, moved back into Huntington woods to raise their families. And we even have a close neighbor near us where the family that's living there now is the daughter of the family that lived there when we were growing up. So she's literally living in the same house that she grew up in, which is, it's wonderful.
[00:05:04] Speaker C: She bought the house from her parents and her parents actually moved to another smaller house in Huntington woods, which is really an incredible legacy.
[00:05:13] Speaker B: Yeah, that's, that's. You're doing something right. If you got a community that is breeding that type of interest and commitment and love. And, you know, the one thing I love, and I've obviously lived in a lot of different places far away and the one thing I love about being at back home in this little town is, yeah, the winters are bad, although I feel like they're not as bad as they were when I was a kid.
Oftentimes in the, in the warm weather months, my plans involved just getting on my bicycle and riding over to my friend's house and we'll do a little local hang at someone's backyard. It's. It's a pretty special village Y vibe. And Jill, of course, is a card carrying member of that woods family.
[00:05:52] Speaker C: Right? And now even fair, in fairness, Jill lives in the town next door as an adult, but her mother still lives in Huntington Woods. We have, actually, she grew up in Huntington Woods. She grew up in Huntington woods for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went to elementary, middle, high school with her.
But Jill's mom, Joy, her mom's name is Joy, is one of the moms who is still living in the home that her kids grew up in that she's lived in forever. And there's a contingency of Huntington woods moms, many of them not Jill's mom, but many of them are widows who are still living in the homes that they've been living in forever. And they don't want to move to, you know, a smaller assisted living community, et cetera, et cetera, because they feel so deeply connected. I've often said that it would have been the greatest thing if we could have brought a huge property in Huntington woods, which, by the way, isn't really possible, and created an incredible assisted living community for all these moms, not so much dads, because the women tend to outlive their husbands who are still living there because all of our friends, or not all of our friends, many of our friends, are involved in the care of their moms who are still living in these homes.
That's certainly the case for us. So to be clear, Jill's mom isn't a widow, but she's been raising her three daughters on her own for decades. And I also know Jill's mom, Joy well. In fact, when I was teaching, Jill's mom was a nurse for the Oakland County Health Department.
And when I had to go through family life training for my school district, Jill's mom was the facilitator. And she basically taught us how to teach sex ed to elementary school students, which was fascinating and also a little awkward because I knew her well.
She was a force to be reckoned with, Joy. She was a no bs, strong, confident woman with a busy career.
[00:07:51] Speaker B: And she's also a force to be reckoned with.
[00:07:54] Speaker C: She is a force to be reckoned with. Yeah, sorry. Let's clear that up.
Joy is alive and slightly diminished condition.
[00:08:01] Speaker B: It sounds like she's still got some sassy.
[00:08:04] Speaker C: She does, yes, for sure. And she's part of this tight group of women from our community, still has these great friendships. They still get together on Saturday nights. And I just think that it's a really lovely legacy to her kid and her kids. And I always adored and admired Joy.
Jill's situation is different than ours in that her mom is still mentally completely with it, but she struggles physically.
And that's created challenges for Jill and her sisters in terms of her care of her mom.
Because we all know that if it's not one thing, it's someone's parent. And in this case, it's Jill's. So we'll be right back with her story.
[00:08:49] Speaker B: Enjoy the dulcet tones of mom. And we'll be right back.
[00:08:57] Speaker A: Do dear a female deer.
Like a lot to feel when you are around this place.
You're gonna have a wonderful day.
[00:09:22] Speaker B: Say it.
[00:09:23] Speaker C: You can say it.
[00:09:23] Speaker D: I like your glasses. They're so cute.
[00:09:28] Speaker B: Let's go now. And I. I think. And actually, what I think you should do is just repeat, often people are complimenting us before we press record.
We're missing all that. So, Jill, please forgive the interruption. Please proceed with the compliment.
[00:09:41] Speaker D: Right. I mean, I am really proud of you guys. It's kind of crazy, don't you think?
[00:09:45] Speaker C: Well, you know, we feel excited to be doing it, and we're grateful that we have friends who are listening. We hope other people are, too.
[00:09:55] Speaker D: I listened on my walk yesterday.
[00:09:57] Speaker B: You did?
[00:09:58] Speaker D: To Tony. Doctor. What did you call him? Dr. Tony.
[00:10:00] Speaker C: Dr. Emmer. Doctor.
[00:10:02] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:10:03] Speaker D: There was something I wanted to tell you. And of course, I forgot what it was that I was like, oh, yeah. But I did learn a lot. There was something about the, like, dementia and, like, anger kind of thing that, like, made me think, like.
[00:10:14] Speaker C: Yes. Well, the. The fact that some people, if they're very sweet and docile, can become very angry.
And then for us, the opposite.
[00:10:23] Speaker D: Like, I know. Isn't that nice? My mom was never sweeter. I mean, she was sweet, but she wasn't docile. But, man, sometimes she gets so nasty.
[00:10:31] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:10:31] Speaker B: I thought you were talking about when one gets angry at the person with dementia because they stop remembering to do things, which is something you have to try and control, which is another aspect of the anger quotient and all that.
[00:10:44] Speaker D: I just. I have to say, like, not just Your podcast, impressive. But you guys, as siblings and as, like, just caregivers, you're so much kinder than I am.
[00:10:55] Speaker C: Well, one, there are. I'm going to tell you, when I was doing this really very much by myself, I was not kind. And I think we've talked about that, Andrew. That I would leave my mom's house and feel like, oh, I can't believe I got frustrated about this, or I can't believe that I lashed out about this, and then I would leave feeling horrible about my behavior.
[00:11:17] Speaker D: Angry. Oh, yes. I just. Mad. I just go right to anger.
[00:11:21] Speaker C: Well, in fairness, I think that you have plenty of reasons to be angry. And a little bit, well, this is.
[00:11:28] Speaker B: Your banking couch today. This is.
[00:11:30] Speaker D: I know, but I don't want to get too, like. Right. I'm not allowed to be too mean. Right?
[00:11:33] Speaker C: You're allowed to be whatever you want to be, by the way. But we also promise that we are not going to create an awkward scenario for you. Think, oh, I can't believe I just said that.
[00:11:42] Speaker D: On.
I won't. And I do feel like.
Like in my family, and me especially, maybe my one other sister, like, we're so straightforward about it, and my mom's been so obsessed with dying for so long, like, she's so prepared for it, even though she doesn't want to die, that it's like, it's real, matter of fact, at our house.
[00:12:03] Speaker C: Well, and that's probably healthy. And I would imagine that people don't.
[00:12:07] Speaker D: Talk like that, right?
[00:12:09] Speaker C: No, but actually, I don't. I disagree. I think people do talk like that.
[00:12:13] Speaker D: Okay.
[00:12:13] Speaker C: I mean, Andrew and Julie and I constantly are, you know, I mean, we're not really talking about that with my mom because she's not really understanding those conversations, but we are constantly thinking, thinking about, all right, well, what does this look like? And how is this going to go? And, you know, you almost have to be matter of fact like that in conversations, because otherwise, well, one things can catch you by surprise. And we certainly don't need any surprises in this mix of this craziness. And the other is that, I think, you know, listen, sadly, it is a part of life, and our parents are older and they're in circumstances that, you know, really do show. This is. This is the end of life. Right.
[00:12:53] Speaker D: Do you guys feel like, well, I guess the podcast is a good way of kind of viewing this. It is like, do you feel like you're in a extenuating circumstance, or do you feel like you're more in the norm? Because I feel Like, I have so many friends, parents. I know. I feel like this is everywhere around us as our. At our age. But I also feel like I have so many friends, parents that are so normal.
Oh, interesting to say that. That are, like functioning and playing golf and they're going to dinner with their friends and you're like, wow, that's really impressive at 86.
[00:13:24] Speaker C: Yeah. You know, it's funny you should say that, because I have. Oh, our friend Deborah. I'll just say Deborah had parents who were so.
Just kindly and sweetly at her beck and call, you know, that she needed something done at her house and her dad was on ladders, you know, changing ceiling fans out and doing these major things for her. And for years. And I remember even, I want to say 15 years ago, thinking, wow, what must that be like to have a parent who's maybe not 15 years ago? Well, I guess so. Maybe 12, 13, a parent who's still doing those things for you.
Because it's so.
[00:14:01] Speaker B: It's.
[00:14:01] Speaker C: I feel like I've been living in this role for so long that I barely remember a time where I wasn't kind of parenting my parents. But I don't know. I mean, Andrew, do you find that to be true?
[00:14:11] Speaker D: That's a great exception.
[00:14:13] Speaker C: Or are we.
[00:14:14] Speaker B: There's a norm or an exception? I think I've. Especially even through my senior care business, I see all sorts. You know, I see someone who's 95, who's completely with it physically and mentally, and I see somebody who's 60 in the assisted living facility suffering from things. So there's. There's the full gamut. And I think that, you know, the. The being morbid about it or talking in terms of death and all that is just totally normal and totally fine. I won't mention any names, but there was a incident at a facility where someone choked to death.
And when the news reached someone in.
[00:14:51] Speaker C: The dining hall in front of all of the patrons.
[00:14:56] Speaker B: Yeah. So someone tragically met their end there dining. And someone's reaction was, oh, my God, this is a serious thing and we gotta look into it and figure out what happened and make sure that doesn't happen.
And then someone else's reaction was, oh, good for her. Congratulations.
[00:15:17] Speaker D: Good for her. And also, like, you can't control someone's choking, like. Right, exactly. Exactly.
[00:15:23] Speaker C: I said, we're not gonna get off that easy. We have a long haul ahead of us. You guys really.
[00:15:30] Speaker D: Do you really.
[00:15:31] Speaker C: You feel this way for so many of us? I mean, everybody.
[00:15:34] Speaker B: And I don't find that Cold. I know somebody listening will say, oh, that's kind of cold. I actually don't find that cold at all. To have kind of thoughts and think like that. I mean, this is. Oh, you're constantly wondering, is this a life they'd want to live? And if they had a sudden end, might that be a blessing? That's a reasonable thing to consider.
[00:15:51] Speaker D: I think the best blessing, dying in your sleep, is like the ultimate.
[00:15:54] Speaker C: Absolutely. And listen, while we're on that topic of morbidity, sometimes I will hear from someone about a loved one who passed away, so and so lost a parent, so and so lost a mom, so and so lost a dad. And sometimes my reaction is, oh, are they lucky? Which is a terrible thing to admit. But I'm just going to say this.
I think, wow, they don't have to watch their loved ones suffer. They don't have to worry about what life is going to be like. They don't need to listen to our podcast. They've got.
They're done with this stage like that. I mean, I.
I can't even imagine.
I'm sure. Oh, my gosh. We just. We can't. We can't put this in. We can't put this in the podcast. It's terrible. But I do feel that way sometimes when I hear this news.
[00:16:32] Speaker B: I think, oh, well, it's staying in. It's definitely staying in question.
[00:16:36] Speaker D: And the other thing is, like, I mean, everyone's in their upper 80s. Like, people are living so long, then it', like, you know, when are you kicking it? Like, it's, you know, it's kind of.
[00:16:46] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:16:46] Speaker D: I. And I also don't want to live, like, a limited life like my mom does. I mean, there's no way.
[00:16:54] Speaker C: Yeah, I would completely agree. So on that note, I'm going to give you a little intro here. Okay. We are chatting today with my very dear friend and our lifelong member of our sweet little town where our moms live, my dear friend, Jill Schumacher. I. Jill, you and I have for years. I mean, it feels like for years commiserated about the care of our moms and how we're so living in this world and have been for so long. So if you don't mind, will you just give a little bit of background on your mom, whose name is actually Joy, which is one of my favorite parts about her.
[00:17:35] Speaker D: That's right.
When you and I have an interesting situation because we're literally on the opposite ends of the spectrum, where your mom is a mental. Right. Decline. And my mom is physical and mentally she's actually really quite sharp, and if you catch her on a good day, she's very sharp. If you catch her on a medium day, you're a little questionable. But it's mostly usually crabbiness.
So my mom declined, started my mom, my care and my situation and my sort of level, sort of. My mom's health has always been a little bit questionable. She's not a healthy adult, and she's probably been having issues for about 15 years, which is kind of crazy to think about. But I would say the extreme happened during COVID She fell in her driveway on her way to see the neurologist.
[00:18:28] Speaker B: How old is she now, doctor?
[00:18:29] Speaker D: Dr. Tony?
She's. She'll be 87 in two weeks.
[00:18:33] Speaker C: Yeah, Dr. Tony is her doctor.
[00:18:35] Speaker D: Dr. Tony's her doctor. So she was on her way there, and she fell in the driveway. And it was funny because, of course, the hunting woods police came, and.
And I can't know how to say names. I was like, hey, we went to high school together. Todd Tyler.
It was so funny. We were in the driveway, and I was like, he was a brute boy, right?
[00:18:58] Speaker B: Yeah, he was a brute boy, absolutely.
[00:19:02] Speaker D: So, no, he's so Huntington woods cop, which is hysterical. And I, like, it was Covid. They weren't wearing masks. We were all outside. It was July of COVID And I was like, should they be wearing masks? Like, the whole thing in my mouth laying on the floor, like, of the garage, on top of it. Never made it to the car.
[00:19:18] Speaker C: Your mom is a nurse, and so she has a lot of medical background.
[00:19:22] Speaker D: She has a ton of medical background, which she doesn't take a lot of, you know, anyone's advice or hasn't. And so that was the beginning. She. I. I do. My. My diagnosis would be that she has, you know, spinal. She has very bad stenosis, and she just loses her, like, her footing, and she just falls. Like these winter before that, she fell in Target when we were in Florida, I took her, you know, and it was like, you know, it's horrific. You're just like, what? The one second she was standing up at the car. I call. I used to call her Humpty Dumpty, because she would just be like.
And so that was kind of the beginning when.
[00:19:57] Speaker C: When it happens in a public place like that, do you have to call EMS or can you get her?
[00:20:01] Speaker D: Yes, ems. And the best part was my mom in her New York accent. She was bleeding, right? She fell, and she's bleeding, and she looks up at the people and she's like, I'm on Plavix. Like, it was so funny because I was like. And I grabbed the thing at Target, you know, those metal napkin holder things, and I was just like, pulling those little tiny napkins out, like, you know, crying, because she has on blood thinners. And it was like, oh, you know, what do we do?
[00:20:23] Speaker B: Oh, is that what that is? I don't know what that is.
[00:20:25] Speaker D: Plavix is a. Plavix is a blood thinner. So that she. But she's just funny that she. She, like, medically knows what's going on. So she's like, I'm on Playx.
And so then EMS came and they lift her up like these two little girls lifted her up like it was nothing. You know, it's kind of amazing, their training.
And that. That was really. That was the year before COVID So it was kind of, you know, or maybe that was the winter of it. I don't know, in 2020, maybe. But that was the beginning of, like, kind of caregivers in the house, you know, maybe during the day and not at night. And then probably about a year, two. I'd say 2022. So she was. Had day caregivers for two. Two years. And then she got Covid.
Didn't listen to my sister, got up by herself, fell, dislocated her shoulder in the bathroom. And the hunting hoods police, again, who are like our heroes, came and she was.
[00:21:22] Speaker C: Huh.
[00:21:23] Speaker D: I mean, like, now it's kind of the same guy. Officer, I don't think it was name.
He's so nice. They. She was stuck in her bathroom on the floor. And she's not a little girl. Right. They somehow or another put, like, a garbage bag and, like, out of the room, you know, I mean, it's just like we. Yeah. Took her out. It turns out she had dislocated shoulder. And it was medieval. In the hospital, what they did with her, like, because they were trying to get it out back out of the socket, which I think really she just tore her rotator cuff, I think, in the long run. But for about five hours, this poor resident had to sit and hold my mom so she wouldn't fall off the thing. And her arm is dangling with a weight on it.
That's how they were trying to get the shoulder back out of the socket. And I was like, this is so bizarre. And she had Covid.
And then she gave my sister. I spent two years trying to not give my mom Covid. I was so paranoid with the mask. And I was wearing a mask that day. And then she Gave my sister and myself Covid.
And so that was the beginning of her full time care. And that was three years ago, 24 hours a day.
[00:22:22] Speaker C: So can you just talk about, first of all, I mean, are you alone in the.
I know you have care who helps your mom, but outside of the care, are you kind of alone in that level of care that you have to provide or do you have help with that?
[00:22:39] Speaker D: No, my sisters, I mean, come home. My one sister comes home every once in a while, but they are. They both live out of state, so it's not, you know, they're conscientious and call a lot. They call, I think every day or most every day. And.
But I like manage all my mom's billing. I pay her bills, I pay her caregivers.
You know, it's like, I like to say that it's.
And then there's, you know, the hospital visits. The hospital visits. The hospital visits are just non stop. Like that's a part, I feel like of my mom's ailments that are not normal to what other people deal with that. I know that. I know I haven't dealt. I don't talk to a lot of people. She's not terminally ill. So it's not normal for someone to be in the hospital this much. But she's so accident prone and so sick all the time that it's like UTIs and this and that. That she literally has like a punch card at Beaumont.
Yeah, it's kind of crazy.
[00:23:34] Speaker C: And you also have a full time job. Can you just.
I mean it's not a little full time job.
[00:23:38] Speaker D: No, I run my own company. Yeah. I have an interior design business for 23 years and I'm the managing partner. So it is not easy. This last. Since May, this last year, this last May has been extremely. Just like, like I kind of use the, like the saying that I say it's like being on a roller coaster. And then this year I added in, it's like a fire drill on a roller coaster.
And my friend just told me today, he said it's like a game of whack a mole. And that is exactly what it's like with my mom. It is, I mean, no disparaging to her, but it's like you never know what's gonna happen. Like last Saturday we spent six hours in the er, you know, so it's like you might have a plan for a Saturday, but then her caregiver and I spent the time there, you know, kind of waiting to see what was going on. And it turned out it was fine, so they sent her home.
[00:24:26] Speaker B: And why did she go that day? What was the incident?
[00:24:29] Speaker D: She. She had a little biopsy, and then when she went back on her blood thinner, it bled a little bit. So, you know, you don't know what's going on. Someone starts bleeding.
So that it just was the blood thinner. So that was nice because it was only six hours or so, you know, the whole ordeal. But then, you know. Right. They say she has a life alert. Right? I don't know if your mom. Well, she probably was not aware enough to push a life alert. Right.
[00:24:51] Speaker C: We've tried that many times.
[00:24:52] Speaker B: We use Apple Watch fall detection along with some other software that helps with that.
[00:24:56] Speaker D: Okay, that's good, right? My mom doesn't really, like, she never walks on her own, so someone's always there if she fell. So. Yeah, right. That's so cool though, that you guys have that.
So we push the button. You know, it's really smart. Like, we've got a good routine going because if you push the button, you go in on an ambulance, you get right into a room at the ER or E. Whatever they call the ED Now. And so that's great because then either the caregiver or you, like, don't have to sit in the lobby. You don't, you know, you can just go right in. I didn't know that there's a little trick.
I mean, you do have to go in an ambulance. But the ems, they know my mom, you know, they. And they're usually the same Ish people, you know, they say call the same firm and then the Huntingtons police are like, stellar. I mean, I send them baskets after, you know, after a couple of close together visits, I usually send like, you know, some scones and muffins.
[00:25:47] Speaker C: 1. I think it's a bummer that the Huntington woods police don't have a punch card for you, because I think that would be really cool.
Maybe that's something we should.
[00:25:55] Speaker D: They did ask my mom early on, after so many visits. So this is definitely since beginning of COVID to put this like a zip box. You've seen it on people's houses, and it has something. It's. So instead of them having to make sure that they don't want to have to break your door down, so they had it on. And now that I realize that she has 24 hour care, so there's somebody there to open the door every time. But yeah, we haven't moved that box.
[00:26:17] Speaker C: So how do you balance your time? Because, I mean, you have to go to work and you have to clients who. And that's, by the way, how you make a living. So I can't imagine that you're constantly to leave work for this.
[00:26:29] Speaker D: Yeah, it's. This summer has been exceptional.
Just like lengthy doctor visits or caregivers without a car that's working. So I have to. Instead of meeting them at the doctor's visits, I'll have to go pick her up. And, you know, you got to go a little extra early and then make sure, you know, get the wheelchair in the car and that kind of stuff. And then also, you know, waiting at the doctor's office, things like that. You know, how do I balance it?
I try to be as planned out. Just recently, I've asked my sisters to really start. They've both retired and so to have them sit in on doctor's visits that I cannot be at. If I can be there. Great. Or her caregiver, her main caregiver will be there always. But so that someone's listening, taking notes, you know, it's difficult. The caregiver's not. It's not their mom, so.
[00:27:17] Speaker C: Right. And also, doctors don't always allow you to record, which I understand. So that gets a little complicated.
[00:27:22] Speaker D: We've never done that. That's probably a good idea. We usually have this notebook that we kind of carry around. Or like one of the sisters is listening in with the geriatric doctor. I've had them on the phone, so everyone can kind of hear what's going on because she's just so good and so she's so on point.
We love her. Can I'm allowed to say her name, Dr. Pie?
[00:27:41] Speaker C: Absolutely, yes.
[00:27:44] Speaker D: So trying to be ahead of things and be organized, but right when you're in a game of Whack a Mole, you don't know what's coming next.
[00:27:50] Speaker C: Right. And so, like, if you want to go on vacation, I mean, can you.
[00:27:54] Speaker D: So if I go on vacation, I try to tell everybody very early, occasionally, like when we. We traveled far this year, my husband and I and my sister came in town. So that was good. And it's not like, I mean, her caregivers, there's a program and she has life Alert and all of that, but so she's covered. But it is nice to have a family member here, especially if I'm out of town. I was out of town quite a bit. My husband's in town. So at least we kind of feel secure about that.
[00:28:21] Speaker C: And I will also just say, because you know that I think your Husband is one of the most delightful humans at Walt Kramer.
He really also kind of jumps in, which I think is rare and amazing.
[00:28:33] Speaker D: Okay. Do you think that's rare? I was wondering about that. I feel like I see my friend's husbands very involved, which is nice. Yes. No, we're gonna. We ordered a chair on Amazon today. He's gonna help me put it together on Thursday when it arrives. Yeah, it's a chair that lifts, leans, heats, vibrates. I mean, it's got. That's the whole kitten caboodle.
[00:28:52] Speaker C: I assume it's for your mom and not for your husband.
[00:28:54] Speaker D: It's for my mom.
My husband is gonna always put it together. Right. That's good.
It's kind of funny. Oh, my gosh. So we'll see. Yeah, he's good. He's a calming force, for sure. For her. I think that she sometimes feels like she. She's on a little bit better behavior. But, you know, she has her moments. Like, well, he'll walk in the door and she'll be like, hi, David. And then she'll be like, hello, Jill.
[00:29:16] Speaker C: Oh, God.
It's awful.
It's awful. But get it.
I'm sorry.
[00:29:24] Speaker D: It's kind of amusing.
[00:29:26] Speaker C: I mean, how much time do you think is dedicated to caring for your mom?
[00:29:31] Speaker D: I don't know. I. You know, I. I was thinking about that. I. It's. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, like, for you guys, it's different because you have a little bit more of a schedule. Right.
[00:29:42] Speaker C: We have a big schedule, and we live and die by this schedule.
[00:29:45] Speaker D: Oh, it's so great. Yeah.
[00:29:47] Speaker C: Which makes a big difference for us. We know, you know, exactly what level of care. But also, in fairness, since she's been home, we haven't had the situations that you have. I'm sure that I would imagine that's coming up at some point. But we have been lucky that we're able to stick to that schedule. And also, Andrew, I think you and I are in good contact about. I'll jump in at this time, or Julie will come in for a few hours here and there. But for you, I mean, you're really doing the bulk of this work simply because of proximity and you're working and your circumstances are extreme. I mean, I'm sure. I can't even imagine if you added up the amount of hours that you are spending in the ER or at doctor's visits or just going back and forth.
[00:30:31] Speaker D: Right.
[00:30:32] Speaker B: And I would just add that, like, when we have. We have caregivers in six hours a day.
And.
[00:30:41] Speaker D: Oh, that's.
[00:30:42] Speaker B: I really. Yeah. And so the rest. Somebody is around. She's never alone. I mean, she'll be alone maybe every once in a while for a half hour or so, but never really alone. And during those times when the caregiver is there, I do feel complete freedom that, like, nothing's gonna happen and everything's okay. It sounds like your situation is different, like 24 7, someone's there and shit still happens and you're still having people in the hospital and stuff like that.
[00:31:07] Speaker D: That's a good point.
[00:31:08] Speaker B: Yeah. Thankfully.
[00:31:09] Speaker D: I definitely feel great that there is somebody there because it used to be before there were caregivers. I didn't sleep with my phone in my room, but I waited a lot to hear the phone, the main phone. We still have a house phone, which. Kind of funny.
[00:31:21] Speaker C: Well, you need it for that circumstance.
[00:31:23] Speaker D: Yeah, exactly. And I do keep. We keep it now because it's written on my mom's fridge. Like, if you don't. I don't sleep with my cell phone in the room. So, like, if they don't get a hold of me, and I tend to go to sleep early, so call my house phone if there's a real emergency.
But yeah, I don't. I. It definitely makes you feel better that somebody is there for sure. Like, you just know that they're covered. And for you with your mom who wanders and, you know, who can walk. I mean, my mom, the scary part was that she used to say, like, well, I could get myself onto a commode or I could try to do this at night. And you're like, no, no, that's not a good idea. I mean, that's how she dislocated her shoulder. So.
So you kind of have to know that. That you feel good that somebody's there. She's not trying to get up and move around even though she can't. So.
Yeah.
[00:32:11] Speaker B: So you're. So you have obviously very busy life and you've got a lot of stress managing and being the owner of the situation of care with your mom.
We're trying to identify ways that all of us can, like, take a break or rest our minds and get the rest and rejuvenation that we. That we need. How do you get any of that? Or are you making sure you try to get some of that somehow?
[00:32:40] Speaker D: I think. I don't have children, so I think for me, that's a really. I've always been really good at self care.
It's never been a problem for me.
[00:32:50] Speaker C: Is a good element.
[00:32:51] Speaker D: Right? Exactly. I mean, I work for myself.
[00:32:53] Speaker C: But it is a valid point because I think. Yes. You know, if you are younger and you're doing this and you have younger kids.
[00:32:58] Speaker D: Oh my gosh, I don't even know how people do it. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I mean, hopefully, you know, right. Or like you have a poo, poo, poo. A terminal parent and then children and. Right. No way.
But you know, I've always been right. Massage or things like, you know, things like the typical kind of self care, girlfriend time, a lot of friend time. A lot of. I have some like unbelievable. Karen happens to be one of them people that we check in with and that just care. Like the conversations we have are very like, you know, meaningful and intense sometimes and it's helpful. Right. You know, people are going through similar things. I mean, it's not just that you do this. It's like we've always been like that.
And I have great girlfriends that grew up in high and woods also that, you know, I live out of town but are my go to, you know, when I. When the shit's really hitting the fan.
[00:33:47] Speaker C: I remember you told me that you used to walk to and from your mom's house often.
[00:33:52] Speaker D: I did it this morning for the first time with my weighted vest.
[00:33:56] Speaker B: I felt very saw one today. I see them all over the place now. And my friend who's a yoga teacher also started wearing it. I'm like, okay, that's nice to add some weight to your. Your yourself and I'm sure that's good for you. But I also heard that it's good for your posture because it's weighted in such a way to like make you be walking straighter.
[00:34:17] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah. And for, for postmenopausal women, bone density and you know, a little bit, a few extra and good for your core because you're, you know, you're kind of holding some weight up and I think just, you know, you're adding a little few pounds to like whatever you're walking. So. Yeah, I wore it this morning to my mom's house and it's a good, it's a. Just a six mile lap, so it's a lot.
[00:34:38] Speaker C: That's really impressive is that.
I mean, I would imagine that a big piece of that is just the walking and the exercise is good for you. But is it giving you time to clear your mind when you do that so much? So some of my worry would be that on the way I would just get myself more wound up I think.
[00:34:54] Speaker D: For me, I really thought about it this morning because yesterday I walked and I listened to your podcast because I wanted to hear the Tony episode. And. And then today I just play music. Like, I realized I'm not really a podcast super podcaster. Like, some people are. Like, I need to listen to a murder mystery. I needed to. I realized that for me, I want to hear.
You know, I listen to the Henry Rollins Show. Like, I want to hear what he's throwing at me and that I'm not. I don't get worked up. No. And I, like, again, I'm lucky there's a caregiver there. I mean, unless I'm walking into. Excuse my language, but like, a real shit storm. Like, I know I'm just going to hang out with my mom for a little bit. It's going to make her happy. Her nurse came today. She changed the wound care on her leg. That was a whole nother thing this summer, you know, But I watched him, and I really, like, you know, took note. By the way, my mom, who is physically a disaster, is the world's greatest healer. And I told her the other day that she needs to, like, donate her blood to science because it's insane how she heals.
Like, she had this from, like, almost ankle to knee, like, gash. I don't call it like, a cut in her leg. And that was less than two months ago, and it's almost healed.
[00:36:00] Speaker C: Amazing.
[00:36:00] Speaker D: It's freaky amazing. So she does have some really great.
[00:36:05] Speaker B: You know, maybe that's why she likes continuing to go to the hospital. Because, yeah, I swear, it's like a little. Another little episode, a little adventure for her.
[00:36:12] Speaker D: Right, Right. Gets her out of the house.
[00:36:16] Speaker C: My mom with the Huntington woods police, I said, I think you just really like them. And she did. I mean, even when she had the fall that led to, you know, the fall of all falls, when they showed up, she said, oh, I'm like, mom, you have smashed your head in. Yeah, completely. You are bleeding, literally head to toe. And she would say, oh, hi. It's so good to see you.
[00:36:38] Speaker D: Yeah. My mom is a whole shtick with them. Right. I think that's her. Also a comfort for her. A little bit of a way of kind of like, you know, managing the embarrassment a little bit.
But that's for sure. I would say one thing in our family, like, if we don't handle with humor, we would be a disaster. Yeah.
[00:36:55] Speaker B: What other. Let's get you. Let's get you out of here on this. Busy lady. What other pieces of advice besides using humor, which we try to do ourselves as often as always, any other advice for anyone in. In similar situations on how to cope and deal with all this stuff.
[00:37:12] Speaker D: I do think, Karen, I think you're right, though. Like, the weighted vest, like, the work working out for me is like the ultimate, like, brain erase. Right. Like doing something that's really strenuous or hard. And I. Having a community. I think having a community in my workout places, first of all, and having a community of my girlfriends, it's like such an old lady thing to say, because now they're really proving that, like, community is what's like, a very strong point in longevity and like, strong mental brain power.
Right. Keeping kind of keeping your brain in check and kind of, you know, helping stave off dementia and whatnot is truly having for us. Girlfriends, Andrew. Same thing. Girlfriends or friends or, you know, your, your, Your people.
[00:37:53] Speaker B: Whether it's community is important. Absolutely.
[00:37:56] Speaker D: Yeah. I think whether it's your, you know, your, you know, you have some great lifelong friends too, you know, because we all know each other and, and, and then also having, like, you ran. Meeting new people and then you think, like, oh, we have this in common and you can kind of learn from them and just, I don't know, I think maybe that's getting it off your chest kind of stuff.
[00:38:15] Speaker C: The community piece is so vital. I agree with you completely. I'm grateful. On that note, here's a segue. I'm grateful that you're part of my community. I feel so fortunate to have you in my life. And I feel that when I tell you a story about my mom and you tell me a story about your mom, that solidarity makes me feel better.
I also adore your mother. She's been a part of our lives forever. And I just. I give you so much credit for all that you do. I know I tell you this in person. I'm going to tell you this on air right now, that I really think what you do is admirable. And the fact that you run this incredible business that is successful and that people, everybody knows who you are and what you do, what they don't all know is that you also do this other thing, this labor of love for your mother that is going to be a real legacy to your family. I'm proud of you for it. I think it's very impressive.
[00:39:12] Speaker D: That is so nice. And I'm glad my camera's not working because I'm blushing.
That's so lovely. Yeah. No, I feel so fortunate. It's a lot of freaking work. And you know it. You guys are in it too. I mean, it's like a strange thing because I don't think you're prepared for this, you know, or you don't discuss it when you're younger, like, hey, when mom gets older, or dad or whatever, you know? Cause we don't have a crystal ball.
So who's going to do this? Or what's going to happen? Or what do you guys think the plan will be? Or. Andrew, you were living in China.
[00:39:40] Speaker B: Yeah. I did not expect to be here now doing this.
[00:39:43] Speaker D: Right.
[00:39:43] Speaker B: And that's life.
I roll with it.
[00:39:46] Speaker D: I have to say, like, when I listen to your podcast, it's just like when I think about your mom coming out to LA and you handling her yourself like that is something I really don't do. And I admire that so much. For you guys and Karen, you going and showering your mom for. Get it. If you're bleeding out, I've got you. But anything else new and I would.
[00:40:05] Speaker C: Stick to bleeding out.
[00:40:06] Speaker D: Yeah, no, I'm fine. If you guys got something, just call me if there's. If there's one involved.
[00:40:11] Speaker B: But Karen's okay with the showering, the bleeding out, she's probably just gonna let go, right?
[00:40:15] Speaker D: My sister's the same way. My sister's so good with the potty and all that stuff. You know, the showering, everything.
And I would do the bleeding.
[00:40:22] Speaker B: I'm fine with the bleeding.
I can't do the shower. I'll take the bleeding does.
[00:40:26] Speaker D: Right. It makes my mouth water, but I still do it. Like, I can handle it.
[00:40:29] Speaker C: Like my mouth diaper over a bloody.
Any day, all day, no blood.
[00:40:39] Speaker D: That's probably why I didn't have kids, right? Exactly.
That's so funny. Oh, my God. Well, you guys, it's. This is incredible. You guys are amazing. I've listened to all the episodes now.
[00:40:50] Speaker B: Thank you.
[00:40:52] Speaker C: Where this one will be out in another couple weeks. We've got one. One that I just. I think it's just going in the can ready to come out next. But we really appreciate you. I. When I first we talked about creating this podcast, I knew immediately that we had to have you on.
[00:41:06] Speaker D: We talked about the longest term. That's for sure. Right. Of any of your friends, I would say that's kind of nuts. Yeah, it's a kookalooka. But, you know, I don't know. We're all in it, so.
[00:41:19] Speaker C: Well, go and hang out with Kramer.
[00:41:21] Speaker D: I'm sure he's making chicken tacos.
[00:41:23] Speaker C: I mean, of Course he is. Life is good because that's the other thing. He also cooks.
[00:41:28] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:41:28] Speaker C: Thank you, Jill. We really appreciate you taking time.
[00:41:30] Speaker B: Thank you, Jill.
[00:41:31] Speaker D: Okay, you guys have a good night. Thank you.
[00:41:34] Speaker B: All right, we'll talk to everybody later. We'll be right back.
[00:41:42] Speaker A: I've grown accustomed to her fame.
[00:41:48] Speaker C: And.
[00:41:48] Speaker A: It'S all to be her wonderful play somewhere Accustomed to her fate and when you could have ignored Go to your face.
[00:42:09] Speaker B: We are back.
First takeaway is just an order of administration. She sounded great and she really inspired us to finally. And we both knew this had to happen sooner or later. Jill inspired us to finally get a wired mic headset thingy, which we did order and have received. So the good news is for future episodes, things should sound better.
[00:42:34] Speaker C: I'm excited. I think that we're going to look really cute with Mike's on. You'll look cute.
[00:42:41] Speaker B: And if anybody. If anybody's also ever wanting to do podcasting and they want to know, like, the mics we're using or the platform we're using, of course, we don't want to say that out loud because maybe one day they would become a sponsor and they have to earn that. But we'd be happy to share with you those details because we've been very happy with the mechanics around how that has been working so far.
But back to Jill.
And again, here's someone who also seems to be handling it very well while also having a lot to deal with in her own career, her own life, et cetera. I really was couldn't believe to hear that. Very surprised to hear that she's got 24.7care and is still dealing with hospital visits on a regular basis. I assume that 24.7care meant things will be stable and in order to. And allow you to manage your life while being comfortable that mom has been cared for. And I know she is being cared for. And I guess that's naive to think that just because caregivers are there, nothing's ever going to happen medically. Of course that's not true. And thank you, Jill, for reminding us that even in her situation, there's plenty of stress and actual time that has to be devoted.
And wow, I would not have anticipated that. I would have assumed 24. 7. Meantime, you are completely off the hook and relax.
[00:44:04] Speaker C: Your visits are just hi, How Are yous. And the fact is that isn't the case at all. And I would say that that's true for many people I know who are in that situation.
I would also talk about that, Jill, one of her biggest takeaways is the concept of community.
And we can't mention this enough. This rings true for all three of our caregivers who are family members.
I think that when you are part of a close community, you have people to bounce your thoughts off of, even if they seem ridiculous to say, oh, my gosh, this happened. What do you think? Nothing is ridiculous in this world because everything is coming at you in so many different directions and so quickly. Surrounding ourselves with people who care about us and our emotional well being is really important.
Alyssa is deeply immersed in the yoga world, which is an important community for me. I would tell you that that has become one of my greatest strengths, is being able to walk into my yoga studio and know that people know what's going on with us, know what's going on with my mom, and are asking about her and offering assistance and guidance. And I should add, for clarification, by the way, that when I say my yoga studio, I do not own the yoga studio. I always think that creates some confusion because I notice I say it a lot. I spend at least an hour a day, probably a little bit more here and there since I've retired at Citizen Yoga, the Royal Oak one, which is three blocks from my house.
And one of the reasons that I love it there, in addition to amazing yoga, is because I feel this deep connection to this community.
I have people there who know me well and who support me and ask questions about my mom and check in on me, and I do the same for them. And it's become a really important part of my life. So I can't emphasize enough this concept of finding community that is meaningful for anybody who is in this caregiver role.
And Howard is surrounded by a community of people who just adore him. I can't even tell you how many people have reached out to me after listening to the Howard episode to say, I know Howard. I love Howard.
I'm part of his team rooting him on.
And Jill has a community of friends to be an ear, and I'm happy to be a part of that community with her and to have her be a part of that community with me. I do feel that finding people who care deeply about you and your situation and understand and are just ready to lend an ear makes this easier, because this is hard.
[00:46:59] Speaker B: Yeah. And I would add to that that for me personally, this would be very difficult if I was having to do this somewhere other than my home where I am surrounded by the most of my community of friends and family. And that makes it definitely Easier to have that support around. It's nice to get that support both physically with people helping out, but also just with people checking in and me being able to see them and spend time with them on my breaks. It's great. And I think that's a good segue for our final takeaways for this three part series.
And I would just like to say here's a shout out to all those family caregivers out there.
Let's find each other and build some more community around what we're going through.
I attended an event recently sponsored by Jewish Family Services, which is just an incredible organization.
And this, this event was specifically designed for family members taking care of their seniors. Actually, when I went there I thought it was just like caregivers, like hired caregivers and tips and how to do a better job. But no, it was family members who had become caregivers and, and I didn't know what to expect. But it was. I was kind of surprised to see the place absolutely packed. Big meeting room, standing room only. Some great resources were shared. There is a lot of us out there and let's try to help each other out. Sometimes I feel like this sucks and sometimes I wish I didn't have to be dealing with it, but I actually feel lucky. For me, it's really not that bad. There are these moments, especially when I put mom to bed and tuck her in and she says, thank you, see you in the morning. I must say, it's actually kind of nice. And you know when she giggles when.
[00:48:42] Speaker C: We take her socks off, She's a giggler.
[00:48:44] Speaker B: Yeah, she's a giggler when the socks come off for sure. And I'm running out of adjectives to describe how wonderful these people are. Obviously the incredible women that are in our house every day and the work that they're doing is amazing, but also all these family caregivers out there who are so supporting whatever effort is going on or, or carrying the, the lion's share of the heavy lifting. Honestly, it's, it's unbelievable. Honestly, I've got pretty easy duty and what they're dealing with on a daily basis really makes me feel even more lucky with this situation we're in, at least for now. And I do feel some, some kinship with them as I get deeper into this.
Of course that will change at some point. And hearing their stories and how they manage this helps me and I'm sure us everyone prepare for when that time comes. These guys are absolute rock stars. I am blown away with their strength of spirit and compassion.
[00:49:39] Speaker C: So as a reminder, as part of our community, we'd love to hear from you. Please email your comments, questions, ideas that you'd like to see covered in our podcast. You can email us@ifitsnot onemail.com we thank you for listening. We hope you enjoy our ending song from our mom, Joanna.
[00:50:07] Speaker A: Blue Moon.
And when that moon comes out, gonna have a wonderful, wonderful.
