Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: My dream, a dream gone by.
When hope was wonderful for living.
I hope that I always would be here for Michael and his buddies would always be here.
[00:00:37] Speaker B: Welcome back to if It's Not One Thing, It's Joanna. Listeners, we have a very big announcement today.
We've done something that we've not done yet, and that is. Drumroll, please.
One of us was not on the pod while we did a podcast interview episode.
[00:00:58] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:00:59] Speaker B: And that person is me. I made the executive decision that this particular discussion was best done between two besties.
And that is Jill Schumacher, who we've had on before.
And Karen and I would have been a third wheel. And why did we want to have her on Karen and how did it go?
[00:01:19] Speaker C: Well, so first of all, at first when you mentioned that, I thought, oh, no, that's not true. Of course we want you on. We love your commentary. But then, as it turned out, once we had the conversation, I kind of thought, well, yeah, that's sort of true. I mean, yes, Jill and I are close friends. We have been commiserating about our parent care for so many years. And we've also had countless conversations about when dad died in 2011. Jill said to me, I think she said to me at the Shiva, she said, oh, when my mom passes away, I need you to help me with the eulogy because we did a good job for dad and.
And we've been joking.
[00:02:00] Speaker B: Best eulogy ever, by the way,
[00:02:04] Speaker C: by all three of us.
[00:02:05] Speaker B: It was pretty good. It was pretty good.
[00:02:07] Speaker C: It was good. We might want to have a whole episode where we just. Maybe just post it. You
[00:02:11] Speaker B: can repost it. I'm sure the video is there.
[00:02:13] Speaker C: It's a good one. It's a good one.
But anyway, she'd been saying that for years and we've been kind of jokingly talking about, like, oh, my God, by the time our parents pass away, we'll be too old to even know how to do any of this because this just feels like we're lingering in this world. But in fact, as it turned out last, I believe it was beginning of April, Jill's beloved mother, Joy passed away.
And you know, as sad as it is when a parent passes away, she had been struggling for a very long time. Her last, you know, end of days were not delightful.
And they really jumped right into action.
In planning the most. Well, no, I shouldn't say in planning, in executing Joy's plans with a little flavor of their own, but pretty much a fully planned, paid for, you know, well curated service and Shiva. And also all the aspects that surround a person's passing. Joy had really been meticulous about planning. She had had very open conversations with her daughters.
And so it went off without a hitch. It was beautiful.
But the other piece that we talk about is that we are so deeply immersed in the care of our parents and probably so many people listening to this podcast that it's hard to even imagine an end in sight. And of course, none of us wanna say, oh, when will this be over? How much longer am I gonna do this? Although, if we're honest, I think we should all admit we do say that. But the idea that there is a life outside of caring for our parents, it kind of even feels.
I can't even imagine it. And so I wanted to have Jill on because we were doing this micro series where we're talking about end of life, which I really.
I think is wonderful. I'm so glad we're doing it. But I thought, well, let's talk to somebody who actually is now on the other side of all that. We're in the middle of every day, all day.
[00:04:23] Speaker B: Also, another first kind of a takeaway in the presection, which is also new, and I think I like that as well.
That's pretty solid. But without further ado, I can't wait to hear the. Wait, wait,
[00:04:35] Speaker C: what do you mean in the pre section?
[00:04:37] Speaker B: I mean, I feel like you just gave us a little, like a micro takeaway from your chat with Jill when this. Oh,
[00:04:43] Speaker C: in the pre
[00:04:44] Speaker B: section is usually just kind of the intro, and then the takeaways come
[00:04:47] Speaker C: later. But
[00:04:47] Speaker B: we're not going to have a takeaway section in this one because of the unique nature of the chat. Of course, we'll still have mom to play some stuff, and I'm sure. Yeah. Listen, I
[00:04:56] Speaker C: just want to say we missed you, but what I really discovered is, I mean, I guess I could do this without you.
[00:05:00] Speaker B: Well, you know, all the big podcasts, and of course, we're one of the big ones,
[00:05:04] Speaker C: they
[00:05:05] Speaker B: have guest hosts that come in and out and all that stuff, and it just shakes up. And that's going to happen. It's going to happen more and
[00:05:11] Speaker C: more.
[00:05:12] Speaker B: Well, I mean, I
[00:05:12] Speaker C: guess what comes next is that you do one without me, and I'll be sad and jealous.
[00:05:18] Speaker B: Y' all have to keep an eye out for that one. I'm not sure what that would be yet, but we'll see. We'll see.
[00:05:22] Speaker C: Okay. Okay. Well, do your thing.
[00:05:26] Speaker B: All right, without further ado, here's Monda plays a diddy, and in a moment, Karen and Jill.
[00:05:45] Speaker A: And you will be in a happy production and put on happy face.
And when you see the blue light, I know would be for me.
And so
[00:06:20] Speaker C: I thought it was really funny that Andrew was like, yeah, no, I mean, I feel like a third wheel. And I said, okay,
[00:06:27] Speaker D: you don't care.
[00:06:28] Speaker C: Let's just chat.
[00:06:30] Speaker D: No, I know. I love it.
[00:06:31] Speaker C: No, I mean, listen, I like his funny commentary, but also, he's not wrong. We are good friends. We already know everything. The answers to everything we're going to talk about.
[00:06:41] Speaker D: We've already.
[00:06:42] Speaker C: Yeah. I'm also excited we're heading into Turtle next season, so we can just ward it off for another few months and not be happier.
[00:06:49] Speaker D: Cannot
[00:06:49] Speaker C: be happier.
[00:06:50] Speaker D: Me too.
[00:06:51] Speaker C: How excited are you for your upcoming trip?
[00:06:53] Speaker D: I'm very excited. Really? Really, really. I'm getting way more excited than I was, so I'm feeling like getting there.
And, you know, I've already started packing three weeks in advance.
[00:07:04] Speaker C: Oh, good, A pre pack. I like a pre pack. I usually start a pre pack a couple weeks early and then, you know, kind of cull the herd a little bit or sadly lately add to the herd. Like, oh, how would I live without blah,
[00:07:17] Speaker D: blah, blah? Right. I think I'm trying. Three pairs of shoes, three pairs of pants, maybe three sort of baby. And then one like, we might hike. So I'm like one workout. Ish output.
[00:07:26] Speaker C: Yeah. Plus you'll buy things there. You'll find special items.
So excited. All right. This kind of leads me to a segue, which is, as we've discussed, your dear mom Joy, a blessed memory,
[00:07:38] Speaker D: whom
[00:07:38] Speaker C: I adored, is she's passed away. And I think if
[00:07:44] Speaker D: I'm
[00:07:44] Speaker C: wrong, this might be the first big trip you've taken since she's passed away.
[00:07:50] Speaker D: It is.
[00:07:51] Speaker C: I just think about. Because, you know, my first consideration every time I travel is, okay, how long am I going to be gone? Is Andrew going to get a break from Joanna? Is Julie going to be in town? You know, on my last trip that I just came back from, I wanted to extend a day, and the first thing I thought of was, wait, is this a day that I usually have? Joanna? Is this gonna be an inconvenience for Andrew? And the beautiful thing is that I texted him and said, listen, I'd really like to extend an extra day. How do you feel about it? And he. I think we already talked about this on the pod, but he texted back and said, take your time.
[00:08:21] Speaker D: You guys are so good to each other. I can't. It's amazing.
[00:08:26] Speaker C: Well, we have to be we cannot leave each other hanging. But I was thinking about you getting ready for this trip in a very different phase of life than you were.
How many months ago?
[00:08:38] Speaker D: Six, seven. Oh, six and a half months ago.
[00:08:40] Speaker C: Yeah. I mean, we're going to dig into the weeds of. Of Joy's ending, but I'm just wondering, does this feel different, planning for this trip, knowing that you don't have that piece?
[00:08:52] Speaker D: Yeah. Way less stress or pressure or consideration, concern kind of a thing to her. Maybe organizing the staffing that they never really. I mean, they were on a schedule and nobody ever called in sick or never. You know, I don't feel like we had that. Those issues. Thank goodness. Everybody really was responsible. But there still was, I don't know, organization of that, paying everybody, oh, I'm going to be gone for a week. You got, you know, things like that. Everybody there lives, you know, hand to mouth.
[00:09:21] Speaker C: Yeah. No, I feel the same way when I travel because I don't want to access bank accounts when I'm in a foreign country. So I have to make sure that I'm forwarding the money into Andrew's account and then he pays them through his. And, you know, there's just a lot of keeping track. And that's. That's the. The small piece of it,
[00:09:38] Speaker D: the
[00:09:38] Speaker C: big piece of it is you're going to be continents away and you're your mother's primary caretaker. And so I just think it must be interesting for you that you're heading on a really big trip.
And while there are so many factors that come with the loss of your mom, this must really be interesting for y'. All.
[00:10:02] Speaker D: It's like, relief. And like, a good example is we decided kind of late in the game last Christmas to go to Copenhagen. Like, it was, you know, we're single. I mean, not single. We're married, no kids. Like, I guess we're single adults.
[00:10:15] Speaker C: Well, no, you're married adults, but you don't have kids.
[00:10:18] Speaker D: I
[00:10:18] Speaker C: mean, I think you're married. I've always assumed you were married to kids. Actually,
[00:10:22] Speaker D: it was a sham. Um, so we left and we, you know, you travel. You travel time, you travel distance, right? And we got to our hotel and we checked in the. And next thing I know, my mom and Dolores were calling me in go. And the deal was I left my sister's numbers because I was like, it was a tough year, and I just was like, I gotta get away. And I. And I. And she was, I think, upset about it. And they were fighting. And I said, I just checked into I just got to my room and, like, you're supposed to call when you're Lisa. Like, you know, like, what are you calling? And they were. They were getting mad. And she's. You know, she said this, and, I mean, it's like children, Right. And she was tough, too. So
[00:11:02] Speaker C: it
[00:11:02] Speaker D: wasn't easy on Dolores, and it wasn't easy on my mom, obviously, that I was away. Maybe she was just nervous and I don't know, but it was immature. Not very nice. Because the deal was that they were going to call Wendy or Lisa if something, you know, really happened or whatever. But it wasn't that they really. I mean, I think she was being really difficult.
So
[00:11:22] Speaker C: your mom. Your mom was being difficult.
[00:11:23] Speaker D: I was mad. I mean, like, mad.
[00:11:25] Speaker C: Well, this is like parenting when you finally get away and then your kid calls you, minute one. I mean, the similarities are so massive, but. Yeah, and it's the same thing. You have somebody there. It's not like I left you alone with a bowl of kibble, like, you're fine. But the idea that it's got to be you. You're the person they call. Right.
[00:11:44] Speaker D: Yeah. Right.
[00:11:45] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:11:45] Speaker D: It wasn't. There was. No. So that was a good example of exactly what you're talking about. And it wasn't like they weren't just like, we have a question. They were fighting, so. And they were. My mom was being awful. And, you know, I just think.
I mean, it's sad now that she's not here, but it's like she was just miserable. I think she was scared. I bet part of it probably was that she was scared that I was away and far away. I think that I was like, that sort of stability for her, whether we were getting along or not getting along.
[00:12:11] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:13] Speaker D: So, yeah, it's not. It's a lot of pressure. And people go through yesterday on Instagram, I should have sent it to you. Was it a little, you know, force slide thing that was talking about how there's usually one primary child
[00:12:28] Speaker C: and,
[00:12:28] Speaker D: like, what it's called and how the other kids like to.
What's it? Quarterback? You know, basically criticize, you know, listen and then criticize how they should have done something when it's like they don't really do anything or the part that they seriously. And that's like. Guilt.
[00:12:43] Speaker C: Yeah.
Yeah.
[00:12:45] Speaker D: It's really. No,
[00:12:46] Speaker C: I mean, listen. And we say this constantly. We're very lucky, the three of us, but it's so rarely the case. The case is usually
[00:12:54] Speaker D: burden
[00:12:55] Speaker C: falls completely on one kid, and then the other ones give the that one kid a hard time because they feel like they should be part of that decision making process. And that parent never. I mean, even with my mother, when she was more with it, there would never be a time that she would call my siblings. She would always call me. I don't even know she had their numbers
[00:13:12] Speaker D: right.
[00:13:12] Speaker C: And it was so consonant. And now the joke is, today I took my mom to the podiatrist, one of her favorite activities. She giggles her way the whole time and sings show tunes while getting her toenails cut. It's adorable.
[00:13:23] Speaker D: So cute.
[00:13:24] Speaker C: I love her so much. Your mom has turned
[00:13:25] Speaker D: into, like somebody else.
[00:13:28] Speaker C: We'll take it. But we got home and it was a beautiful day. So I took her for a little walk.
And as we are walking, she keeps talking about Andrew. And I think she said something like, she said, andrew does all the things all the time.
And I said, I know he does. What about Karen and Julie? And she said, she kind of looked at me and then she just went back to. I think that's Andrew's car. I'm like, nope, it's mine. It's the one we just got out of the.
[00:13:58] Speaker D: Oh, well, at least she recognized the car as a car that she knew
[00:14:01] Speaker C: she was mine. But that's okay. I mean, what does
[00:14:04] Speaker D: Andrew say when you tell him these things? Does he just laugh?
[00:14:07] Speaker C: He thinks it's funny.
[00:14:09] Speaker D: I like that the comment is he does all the things,
[00:14:11] Speaker C: all the things all the time.
[00:14:14] Speaker D: I
[00:14:14] Speaker C: mean, in fairness, right now he does, but I just find it amazing that my mom doesn't know my name, nor my sister's name, but boy, Andrew. I mean, she's just talking about him all the time.
[00:14:25] Speaker D: That's
[00:14:26] Speaker C: very funny.
[00:14:26] Speaker D: I wonder if she named him Andrew because she maybe had, like, you know, dated someone or liked someone named
[00:14:32] Speaker C: Andrew. Oh, she had a lot. We
[00:14:34] Speaker D: found my mom's diary.
[00:14:36] Speaker C: Oh.
[00:14:36] Speaker D: And it was Lisa's. Like, I'm glad I left it in Detroit because I'd still be reading it right now.
It was so first of all, it was like this.
And Lisa
[00:14:46] Speaker C: thought, oh, no, it
[00:14:46] Speaker D: got wet.
And then she turned out that she had letters.
[00:14:50] Speaker C: Oh, my God in
[00:14:52] Speaker D: there. Tons of letters from another man. I don't remember what his name was. And my dad and. And it was from like when she was like 16 or so on to, you
[00:14:59] Speaker C: know, and,
[00:15:00] Speaker D: you know, the whole story about, you know, Joey Peggy.
[00:15:03] Speaker C: Oh, yes. She
[00:15:04] Speaker D: would sign it. Yours truly, Joy
[00:15:06] Speaker C: Peggy.
[00:15:07] Speaker D: She'd sign her diary that.
[00:15:09] Speaker C: I mean, please tell our audience what that's about. Because it's such a good story.
[00:15:12] Speaker D: Right, right, right. So my mom was Joy Blaskey. She did not have a middle name, and I guess she really wanted one. And so she gave herself, at some point, in a relatively young age, her a middle name. Not legally, though,
[00:15:25] Speaker C: right?
[00:15:26] Speaker D: Joy, Peggy. And she monogrammed luggage jpl.
Like, she monogrammed her luggage, and it wasn't her name. And I don't even know my name. I wonder if my Nana probably thought she was so wacky. Because my Nana was not wacky.
[00:15:37] Speaker C: Well, and the funny thing about Peggy is that it's a nickname. It's not like,
[00:15:40] Speaker D: it's not even a
[00:15:41] Speaker C: name. It's
[00:15:41] Speaker D: not her name. It's not anyone's name. Right. Good point. Excellent point. And then she had three daughters and gave none of us a middle name. Lights.
So unfair. Like, she wanted one so badly.
[00:15:53] Speaker C: I think you should all just give yourselves Peggy
[00:15:55] Speaker D: as a eulogy. We were like, I might as well just be Joy Peggy.
[00:15:58] Speaker C: So
[00:15:59] Speaker D: then it was all over. And then there were letters written to her. Joy, jp.
Like, some of the people from camp wrote her letters to jp so bizarre. She was such a whack job. She was so crazy.
[00:16:10] Speaker C: I know, but in the very best way. I mean, yeah,
[00:16:13] Speaker D: she was really funny. Yeah. Like, silly. But it does
[00:16:15] Speaker C: bring me to that piece that, you know, when we're doing a little micro series about end of life. Because I think if we can't have these conversations and make them meaningful, we're really doing ourselves a disservice. We're doing a disservice to the person we're caring for. But Joy, man, she really.
She left you in really good shape.
[00:16:34] Speaker D: Great. My sister and I talked about that today because I said I was going to do this podcast. She goes, well, you should tell everybody to be as organized as Joy was.
[00:16:40] Speaker C: Yeah,
[00:16:41] Speaker D: she. Well, being Joy and being so wacky, she was obsessed with her death. So,
[00:16:47] Speaker C: I mean, it was a big file. I'm not gonna lie. When I saw it, I was like, oh, my. You weren't kidding.
[00:16:52] Speaker D: Not only that, it's like when we were, like, in high school and college, like, we would open things and it would say, like, Barbara. Like, there was a. Like. Like a Majellica dish. Right.
And it had Barbara's name in it. I was like, barbara's her girlfriend. I'm like, why is Barbara getting this dish? It's just Nana's. Like, why aren't we getting it so you could open anything. Like, there was actually a piece of, like,'70s ceramic down there that had my name in it. And Lisa had the school bus. We had this, like. What's it called? A cookie jar thing. Like a Disney school bus. Like, so she was not only that. And she kept a notebook with everybody. What everybody should get, she thought everybody should get. And she didn't want us to fight. That was a big thing for her.
[00:17:25] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:17:25] Speaker D: And then she had.
She prepaid her cremation. And then many years ago, we sat down and we wrote Joy's recipes for death. So we had a document in my computer that was like, her life insurance and, you know, whatever. Like, you know, anything that she had from her work, like, any sort of funds or her marital insurance.
[00:17:49] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:17:50] Speaker D: What's her name, person's name? What's the phone number? What's the account number? Not really the account number, because you have a person to talk to, but, like, what was your number for any sort of life insurance or, like, policies that you might have taken out for other. Like, she had the lawyer, the accountant, you know, she had. We had all categorized and written out. And then, like, what were her instructions were? Like, for her, it was a really big deal that you go to the safe deposit box. Like, that's not. It turns out that's not a big deal. But
[00:18:14] Speaker C: we
[00:18:15] Speaker D: were both signed on it. So, like, I
[00:18:16] Speaker C: was just gonna say. Cause I had to add my brother to my account, so that should something happen, he could get into my safe deposit box. Otherwise, it has to go to probate. It
[00:18:24] Speaker D: goes to
[00:18:25] Speaker C: probate.
[00:18:25] Speaker D: That was her big. That was between that and you need to get 20 death certificates. And Kramer said, no, you do not. You need two, you need three. You electronically. Blah, blah, blah. I think I ordered 10, and I think I've used two. Maybe one.
[00:18:42] Speaker C: We talked about this a few weeks ago about the idea that people don't realize that if you don't have a family member on your account, they can't access those funds. And there are funds that come later.
And can you just touch on that really quickly? Because I think
[00:18:58] Speaker D: it's really hard because we. I think Lisa. I don't know why anybody. Lisa and I just got letters from Social Security saying that they owed us money.
And it wasn't that much money, but I think we'll all individually get a check, which is weird. And it's been six months. That. And then also I was a signer on my mom's Vibe account. That was her credit union.
And the lady told me, you know, you don't have too much to worry about. You got a Year, blah, blah, blah. And then I got a letter that said, this is closing in 30 days and it will be frozen if you don't do something then by the 10th of October. And I was in full panic because that's where all her accounts get drawn off. And that means you have to be able to log into AT&T, log into Verizon, log into those, and change all the people to my email, all the payments out of that credit out of that bank account.
Right. Or get a paper bill or. So it was a little bit of a panic.
My sister and Renee had already gone in and changed a lot of the emails to me, but then some of the, like, settings hadn't changed, so there was a lot of things that I was kind of missing. But my mom had a phone book and she kept all her passwords. So A, AT and T, we would have the login. But then, you know, as she got older, maybe they had be changed. You couldn't read them
[00:20:10] Speaker C: or. But my mom would. You know, when you open. I mean, before my mom, you know, when she was still using a computer. And now I look back and think, I'm sure she. She must have had some heavy dementia because, you know, when you go into login and you'll just like, punch a password, it'll say, save password. So she
[00:20:26] Speaker D: kept
[00:20:27] Speaker C: saving the password, but it wasn't the password.
[00:20:29] Speaker D: And
[00:20:30] Speaker C: it was. And then, you know, in those days when I was working full time, it wasn't like I could make a call from school in the middle of the day, but we would be constantly locked out of her accounts. And then she'd have to be sitting there with me when we called.
[00:20:41] Speaker D: And then
[00:20:42] Speaker C: I will say, I have now changed all of my mom's accounts to my email. I mean, my mom is alive and well for the most part, but I did all that now.
[00:20:52] Speaker D: So smart.
[00:20:53] Speaker C: I think it's really important for people to know those are steps that you can. I didn't even need power of attorney to do it. I was just, you can just change an email address. And I'm glad I did all that because now I get all of that information.
[00:21:06] Speaker D: Yeah, it's really.
[00:21:07] Speaker C: So I don't have to worry about that later.
[00:21:08] Speaker D: It is like. Like after Joy died, Wendy was kind of monitoring her email a little bit just because, like, I work more than full time, so it's, like, hard for me to try and do all of that. And the other thing is, like, I had a cold a couple of weeks. I work from home that day, two hours on the phone with AT&T hour and 45 minutes, so almost two hours.
And that was me trying to.
I don't know what. Change her account. I don't know. And then hopefully the house is hopefully going on the market in the next week, so hopefully I can close all those accounts, you know, but,
[00:21:42] Speaker C: like,
[00:21:42] Speaker D: you've got DTE and you've got, you know, consumers. And her DTE bill was really high after she died. And I was like, you guys, nobody lives there.
How could it be? It was outrageous. And it's like, the air's not on in May and June. It wasn't hot, so. And then eventually I just paid it because I was like, I can't. I can't spend any more time on the phone.
[00:22:03] Speaker C: I know. That's really what those. Those aftermath things are things that people don't think of. And it lasts for a really long time.
[00:22:09] Speaker D: Yeah, it's surprising.
[00:22:10] Speaker C: So I. I think that's important. I think the other piece that I loved about Joy, in addition to just those nitty gritty instructions that really will make somebody's life easier if we do all these things ahead of time. The planning of what she wanted for her service, down to the candies that she wanted served and the bowl of condoms. Condoms that.
[00:22:28] Speaker D: The bowl was us. I mean, that was us. But we felt like it was really good. It was honoring her to
[00:22:34] Speaker C: give some reference for people who might not remember our last conversation. Can you explain the bowl of condoms?
[00:22:40] Speaker D: All right, so my mom was the Open County AIDS coordinator. She was at the very forefront of the AIDS epidemic.
And she, you know, was everybody's person. She was. I mean, every gay person I ever met was like, you, mom's incredible. I can't believe it. She worked in that world, like, very compassionate, you know, which was. It was scary. People were lepers.
And so she. I don't know. She just didn't have that. She didn't have that fear. But it was also very important to her that everybody was educated, educated, educated. I was actually laughing because I had my windows painted recently. And I realized I had one book I wanted to take, really take my mom's was the Sex Tattoo.
Because we used to read it when we were in Kids at Laugh, because the pictures are crazy. They're from the 70s, and they are hysterical. And the book is, like, falling apart. I don't know. It's old. And so I. And then I realized it was right underneath the window. Like, this guy was painting. I'm like, oh, my God. It's like this red Old looks like almost like a textbook. And it just says the giant letters. The sex atlas. And I was like, oops, probably shouldn't have moved that. Not in my dining room,
[00:23:43] Speaker C: but
[00:23:44] Speaker D: in our house. That was normal.
[00:23:45] Speaker C: Yeah, you
[00:23:46] Speaker D: know, it was totally normal. Dinner conversation was, you know, Stacy would come over and be like, what's the grossest thing you've seen?
So it was totally normal. And so there was always a stubborn bowl of condoms on the piano. Always. Yeah,
[00:23:59] Speaker C: A beautiful bowl.
[00:24:00] Speaker D: Yeah. Lovely bowl. I had the bowl still. And you know, any friends? Everyone. No one asked, no questions asked unless people wanted to talk about it. And people would bust themselves because they would say, I saw your mom. And she would. She was like the vault. She would never say anything at all.
So she.
So right. So there. So then that was funny because the director at Josh had Ira Kaufman goes, well, that's the first.
[00:24:26] Speaker C: Yep,
[00:24:27] Speaker D: it
[00:24:27] Speaker C: was.
[00:24:28] Speaker D: Yeah. So. And the kind. The candy was probably more of us giving her a little rub, like the lemon heads and the Boston baked beans and stuff. We bought like little boxes of them because she just loves candy.
[00:24:37] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:24:39] Speaker D: So we were just kind of being, you know, like, celebrating her. It was good. It was a great funeral. I mean, it
[00:24:43] Speaker C: was. It was a stunning, stunning funeral. It was everything. I mean, sadly. Listen, we'll be honest. You and I have talked about our parents funerals for years and our
[00:24:54] Speaker D: parents.
[00:24:56] Speaker C: Right.
But I mean, it is not abnormal for you and I to just have a random conversation about like.
[00:25:02] Speaker D: And I'm very honest,
[00:25:03] Speaker C: I want to make sure we do this or this or this. But I. I believe that. And I assum. This is the same for you, that it was exactly what Joy would have wanted. And I feel like it was
[00:25:14] Speaker D: exactly
[00:25:14] Speaker C: what you would have wanted down
[00:25:15] Speaker D: to
[00:25:16] Speaker C: who spoke and what people said.
What a beautiful celebration. But also the idea that because she had been proactive, it didn't leave a lot to chance for you other than, you know, polishing a few things up here and there. And it really. It seemed to me. And again, I'm not in it with you, but I know you well enough to know and was spending time with you that you were able to just really be in those moments with your friends, with your family, because you weren't frantic about, oh, wait, well, what. What are we gonna choose for this? Or what would you want for that? She really took that burden off of you. And I can't say enough about. We interviewed Jodi Jacobs from Coffin. She's part of this series and she really talked about especially listen for Jews we very quickly. There's not a lot of time to plan things. And also, I love that about what we do.
[00:26:08] Speaker D: Quick
[00:26:08] Speaker C: funeral.
But I felt like the joy of being able to re.
Just what it was, the joy. Who she was, what she wanted.
I. I hope you feel really proud that you did right by her.
[00:26:21] Speaker D: Totally. And I thought, oh, my God, it was like a movie to me. Like, standing up there, I was like, this is exactly how it's supposed to be. Like how it's scripted, you know?
[00:26:30] Speaker C: And
[00:26:30] Speaker D: I was
[00:26:30] Speaker C: like. I
[00:26:30] Speaker D: said afterwards, I was like, is this weird? But I think this is one of my best days of my life, which is so awful. But I'm like. It was like, went off without a hitch. And it just. All the right things fall into play.
[00:26:42] Speaker C: And also, I mean, if we're gonna be honest, it was her time. She had been struggling for so long.
[00:26:48] Speaker D: Her
[00:26:48] Speaker C: end was not lovely, but it was short.
And so I actually really like the idea that you
[00:26:54] Speaker D: could. February, March and April were not real short.
[00:26:56] Speaker C: Not lovely,
[00:26:57] Speaker D: right? Exactly.
[00:26:58] Speaker C: But I love the idea that you can say it was a really good day.
[00:27:02] Speaker D: It was amazing. It was really, like, so perfect for her. The only bummer, she wasn't there.
[00:27:08] Speaker C: She was, though, more or less.
[00:27:10] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:27:11] Speaker C: So you and I text each other sometimes on Sundays, and I say, hey, guess what I'm doing that you're not doing while I'm paying the caregivers. And when I pay the caregivers, I have to have like every ounce of extra stimulus off to make sure, like, I don't double pay someone or give somebody the wrong amount. And I'm looking at, you know, Andrew, tell
[00:27:28] Speaker D: someone that wire or whatever. Venmo.
[00:27:31] Speaker C: Yeah. Different people get paid differently. So it. And it's not like it's a time consuming thing. It's just focus, focus, focus. And it's a big part of Sunday.
And so your Sundays and every day of your week must look different now.
You're seeing the other side of everything that we talk about. And I just kind of wonder, can you describe it? Is that even possible to do?
[00:27:57] Speaker D: And actually, it's very current for me because two things. One is I'm. Whatever. I mean, I hate to say this because it sounds so stupid, Detroit, but adhd? I mean, I have been my whole life, whatever, adult. Now I'm an adult. Didn't know until I was an adult, but now I know. Makes perfect son. And for me, Sundays were always. I mean, I didn't spend a lot of time with my mom. She had caregivers. So I knew she was safe. And my life is a little bit crazy with work and. And I think when you have the type of brain that I have, like when you have these individual, like to visit her, like, I would. I knew the workout was mine in the morning. I would do that for sure and then have to shower, but then I'd have to go there. What time would I be going? Would I be going at 1? Would I be going at 2? Would I be going at 3? You don't want to go at 3 because I get too late. And then I still have to come home and pay everyone. And. And you. You get. It's like a stuck. You get a little bit like a gerbil, like on a wheel, like
[00:28:46] Speaker C: it's a loop.
[00:28:46] Speaker D: That's a common thing for people with that wiring. And so for me, Sundays were always a little bit heavier because I'd be like, well, once the visit one's the payment. And then this last Sunday I went to the house and it's like. And then we had clean out people come right after the sale. When
[00:29:01] Speaker C: you say sale, by the way, the sale of the content,
[00:29:04] Speaker D: what's
[00:29:04] Speaker C: inside, not
[00:29:04] Speaker D: the sal. They do, right? So the stuff and the junk. And then somebody comes in afterwards and everything was literally gone. I was like, okay, I'm gonna start packing my trip. Because I didn't like walking in circles, like what I worked out or I didn't know what to do. You know what? It's a very strange. It. It feels good. I mean, it's a sad time. I think actually having closing the house up is harder in a way than losing her. Because I think losing her is like very.
You're still like spongy, like, you're so foggy and. And there's so much to do.
And it was so bad at the end that I was like, okay, this is a relief. But this is like even that was. You know, we were born. I was born in that house. So that was hard. That was really hard.
[00:29:48] Speaker C: But
[00:29:49] Speaker D: it's. But. But I also, like, it looks really fresh. It's getting painted right now and it's really clean. So it does feel good like that. So that. That's hard. But. But I did feel a lot of, like, relief, a little bit of panic. Like, do I need a hobby?
[00:30:06] Speaker C: Do
[00:30:07] Speaker D: I start.
Do I start brunching? Well, I have my work life now, but considering we don't have kids. So it's like, do you start right? What will. What will take that. It's not time. It's brain space. For me.
[00:30:19] Speaker C: Interesting.
[00:30:20] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:30:21] Speaker C: I wonder if the Huntington woods police and fire department have a lot of time on their hands now. I
[00:30:27] Speaker D: was wondering that too.
[00:30:27] Speaker C: Who's buying them scones?
[00:30:29] Speaker D: I know. Well, I was thinking that when the house sells, I'm gonna have to send them one more basket. Oh,
[00:30:34] Speaker C: yeah, I'm sure. I assume they know she's passed away.
[00:30:37] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure for sure. And there's that Knox box. You know, there's a box they put on there so that they wouldn't have to break her door down. And I'm like, whoever moves in this house, like, they don't come and take the box. Like, you get stuck with that.
[00:30:46] Speaker C: Weird.
[00:30:46] Speaker D: It's like a thing you see on a store.
[00:30:48] Speaker C: Yeah, right. Three
[00:30:49] Speaker D: dimensional first range.
[00:30:51] Speaker C: Gosh. Well, it's. It's her legacy. It goes with the house.
[00:30:54] Speaker D: That's right. Yeah.
[00:30:55] Speaker C: A family's gonna be really happy to move into
[00:30:57] Speaker D: Joy's house.
And I
[00:30:59] Speaker C: hope that that will give you some comfort knowing that you're. You're passing that on to the next. Well, not even our next generation like the one we're sort of skipping over a side of the next
[00:31:09] Speaker D: two or three. Yeah, exactly. At least one. Or having littles for sure.
[00:31:13] Speaker C: And
[00:31:13] Speaker D: it's funny. Lisa and I made a bit like a, you know, like, box that had, like, for the new next owners. And Joyce saved everything.
Every receipt from every purchase, every appliance, every. Even, like, small appliances like the blender. She'd have the booklet, and so she was organized. But. So we tossed a lot of that. But we did keep things that, you know, applicable to the house, like the garage door or when the roof was redone or whatever. And then there were keys. And somewhere between the house estate sale and the queen house, the keys to the garage are gone.
The clickers are still there, thank goodness. And it had the keypad on the door. But, like, there are some keys, like the back door key. Not that people wouldn't change the locks, but, like, there's this whole box of keys that just disappeared. So maybe
[00:31:59] Speaker C: people collect keys and they were excited to buy the keys.
[00:32:01] Speaker D: I don't know. It was very strange. I was like, this is.
[00:32:05] Speaker C: Oh, my gosh. Listen, I.
I just want to commend you for the care that you took of your mother. I hope you feel proud and honored by all that you did for her. You really.
You set the bar for what we should be doing for our parents.
I'm proud of you. I'm honored that you shared your experiences with Joy, with Us. I adored her. She was so good to me.
[00:32:33] Speaker D: You
[00:32:33] Speaker C: know, she really always just made me feel.
She just always seemed really excited to see see me. And it made me feel really loved and really special.
My sister and I kind of play this little game because, you know, my mom's prickly and so, you know, my, my, I call her my mother in law. I mean, my ex and I have long been apart, but I still feel very deeply connected to my delightful mother in law, Barbara. I love her, love her. And sometimes she'll like send me an email or give. Leave a voicemail and I send it to my sister and I say, oh, this is what moms say.
We just love her, love her, love her
[00:33:10] Speaker D: totally.
[00:33:11] Speaker C: And I felt that way about Joy. When I would see her. I would think, oh, this feels really delightful to have someone so happy and excited to see me. She asked me questions. She was always deeply engaged. I felt honored to know her.
And I'm glad that you had literal joy and literal joy in your life for all this time and that you did right by her and you gave her a beautiful send off. And so now you get to go and take a trip and really be on a trip and maybe you do become a Sunday bruncher. I'm excited to see you for brunches. I know. Well,
[00:33:50] Speaker D: that's why I was like, I'm available and I'm back.
[00:33:53] Speaker C: So if Andrew were here, he would ask his microchip question, which I'll ask for you.
So Andrew, this is his question he's been asking everybody who we've interviewed in the series. He said, so there's like, I don't know, maybe there's a movie or something where this happens. I think there is. I'm sure I'm getting it wrong, but basically there's the premise that you could take a microchip chip and download it into somebody's brain and so when they die, you just have it to download into somebody else's brain. Do we, do we wish that we had microchip joy?
[00:34:27] Speaker D: Do you? I don't. Yeah, kind of. We could use your guidance sometimes for sure. And some of the answers, that's the thing that we're like God. Because she remembered everything. She remembered pretty much everything. So she would have good answers. And she was very like a really good leader, you know, like in her work. So I did use, use her. I learned a lot about that. But I think it would be cool.
I wouldn't want it implanted. I would want to be able to view it like a Movie.
[00:34:54] Speaker C: Oh, yeah.
[00:34:55] Speaker D: You know, so that would be cool to
[00:34:57] Speaker C: have. Wow. Wow, Jill, such a good friend. You're such a joy.
I just love knowing you and I'm thankful for your time on our pod and for your time in my life. And I'm excited for fun adventures for you coming up where you get to just relax and enjoy the fruits of your labor because
[00:35:17] Speaker D: you
[00:35:18] Speaker C: work hard and it's time.
[00:35:20] Speaker D: And that's the gift that I would have to say to people. If your parents leave you a little bit, it's like you get to do something that, like, honors them or honor yourself. I don't want to say it was a. It was a burden sometimes. Sometimes it was just painful or complicated or frustrating or annoying and all those things and then. But at the same time. Right. It's your honor. Right?
[00:35:40] Speaker C: Yeah.
All right, my friend. I'm going to let you go have an evening. You worked all day. You chatted with. With me. This is our. My first solo round. I mean, listen, you know, maybe we don't need Andrew.
[00:35:51] Speaker D: No, maybe you do, or maybe you just do. Separate. Separate episodes and then stitching
[00:35:55] Speaker C: and I'll see you soon.
[00:35:56] Speaker D: I'll see you after Japan. Okay, bye.
[00:36:10] Speaker A: Everything's coming up. Process and it's all around the town somewhere opening for the roses.
It's gonna be a wonderful place.
[00:36:29] Speaker C: All right, well, thanks for joining me.
Just Karen, not Andrew. We missed him. We cried a lot. But he'll be back for the next round. I appreciate Jill's willingness to chat with us so candidly episodes ago and then also for this one, about just what it was like to be a caregiver, but also what it's like in the aftermath of caregiving is something that most of us can't really imagine, but I'm assuming it will happen for all of us at some point. And in the meantime, we always appreciate you, our listeners. We love the emails. Keep them coming. At ifitsnot onemail.com you can find us on social media, Instagram and Facebook. If it's not one thing, it's Joanna.
And of course, like, listen, share, share, share. So many people have told us that they're really benefiting from the information we're providing. We hope that you'll share that with other people who can also benefit from it. And until next time, here's mom to play us out. I never get to say that because I'm always with Andrew. Here's mom to play us out.
[00:37:33] Speaker A: Always to be, always a moment me, always could be.
And when we're here in a far be tonight.
Great. One moment.
