[00:00:06] Speaker A: When you wish upon a star Beautiful things will be after your heart.
And when you feel it about the star tree, Always make it been a wonder. Wonderful stand.
[00:00:34] Speaker B: Episode Lucky 13.
[00:00:36] Speaker C: I think this is episode Lucky 13.
And speaking of 13, that is my. I had two preferred numbers for any sports uniform I had for various sports that I had growing up, seven was always the number one. But as I got older, I liked the number 13, including my Montana Slob softball uniform in Taiwan. Because it's unlucky for the other team, was my thinking.
[00:01:07] Speaker B: So you deliberately picked something that would kind of psych out the other team a little.
[00:01:11] Speaker C: Correct.
[00:01:12] Speaker D: Correct.
[00:01:12] Speaker B: Okay, interesting.
[00:01:14] Speaker C: And it worked. We were very successful.
Montana Slobs was a prolific softball team in the expat league, Taiwan Slobs.
Slobs.
There was a bar on Shuangchengjia, which is my favorite street, famous little alley street with tons of bars and restaurants that the American troops originally set up when they were stationed there and protecting Taiwan back in the day. And it survives today as this really kind of interesting little villagey vibe. And there was a bar there started by this guy who was from Montana, and he opened a bar called Montana's.
[00:01:53] Speaker E: And.
[00:01:53] Speaker C: And they were the sponsor of our team, along with Labatt's beer.
[00:01:58] Speaker B: I mean, does it get more American than that?
[00:01:59] Speaker F: That's amazing.
[00:02:00] Speaker C: It was very American. It was very American, huh?
[00:02:02] Speaker B: I like it.
[00:02:02] Speaker F: Okay.
[00:02:03] Speaker C: And it was a lovely. A lovely place. Anyhoo, here we are, episode 13. It's a nice, lucky episode for us, unlucky for all the other podcasts. Cause this might be the best episode ever.
[00:02:13] Speaker B: I mean, the fact.
[00:02:15] Speaker C: What can you do?
[00:02:16] Speaker B: Every time we hit a new episode, I feel rejuvenated and excited. And on that note, I want to do a couple shout outs. Are you okay with that?
[00:02:25] Speaker C: Go for it.
[00:02:25] Speaker B: Okay, so first of all, I want to shout out my niece, Sarah.
Sarah is, I think, maybe our best feedback person. I love that after each episode, she texts me a long text to tell me what she loved, if there's any suggestions she has for improvement, and we implement her suggestions. I might have mentioned early on that Sarah was the one who told us when we were saying the email address, if it's not onemail.com she said people might not know if it's the numeral one or the word one. And so because of that, we grabbed both of those, and now it doesn't matter which one you put in. So thanks to Sarah for taking care of that, because we have received emails and I wouldn't know to have clarified that, and now I just look in both accounts, and now I can see everything. So that's one. So thanks to Sarah. I know that you love when I send you Sarah's feedback as well.
[00:03:16] Speaker C: Love Sarah's feedback. Love it.
[00:03:18] Speaker B: And then the other is my friend Marjorie. I went to high school with Marjorie. I think we reconnected at a reunion a zillion years ago and then actually had a delightful lunch together a couple months ago. And Marjorie is maybe one of the first people, every single time we post, to like it, to share it, to comment on it. And I just feel so touched by the fact that she's a listener of every single pod and so enthusiastic for what we're doing.
[00:03:48] Speaker C: It's also nice that I think, because we're doing a podcast about dementia, which can be a heavy topic at times, it really cancels out the ability for someone to send us disparaging criticism. Like, even if somebody doesn't like something, they probably aren't going to say anything because it's about dementia. It's, you know, the problem sounds insensitive. No matter what, it does feel a.
[00:04:13] Speaker B: Little mean that they would say your podcast about dementia is. It sucks.
[00:04:18] Speaker F: Right?
[00:04:18] Speaker B: That would be a horrible thing to say. But it is kind of interesting that I think that people in general are usually not relating to this podcast, but in life in general, I think people are more likely to send a critical email or letter than they are a complimentary one. So I'll take the complimentary ones. By the way, you know, when you fly, I don't know. I only fly. I try only to fly Delta. And when I fly Delta, you always get that survey. And I think people blow it off. But I deliberately fill out that survey every time and highlight the names of people who did a really great job because I think air travel is challenging. And I think in general, we're probably. I'm probably one of the few people who's thrown out those compliments. I think people are more likely to hurl insults rather than say nice things. Do you agree or do you think I'm wrong about that? Do I have a cynical view of the world?
[00:05:06] Speaker C: No, I think, you know, being aggressive and abrasive gets more attention, and people are steered toward trying to get more attention. So there's definitely a lot of that vitriol out there. I don't think there's any secret, but there's also still a lot of nice, fluffy, wonderful, compassionate people out there saying nice things. I, too, like that survey. Basically any survey. I'm very often interested in filling it out, there's something about it. It just feels fun to me. And also because I was in the consumer insights business for a while, I tend to try to give them some help.
But honest feedback is important. People cannot correct their behavior if we don't communicate to them what they're doing wrong. So maybe that's a little lesson for today.
And maybe. Maybe. Is that a segue to what we're talking about today? Because, you know, we did this series back in the mids. I don't know if it was like episodes 6 to 8 or something like that about family members caring for their family members who have dementia and need help. And these family members like myself and you, who have been kind of thrust into this position of taking care of loved ones who are aging. And we had three different examples of this. Wonderful people with pretty solid family foundations. Not perfect, but they had pretty.
That wasn't the big issue or one of the bigger challenges for most of these guys. And so we had a shout out that said, hey, if anybody has really difficult family situations that you'd like to share, you know, we'll do a witness protection program and hide your identity and muffle your voice and do the black, you know, shading over your face and all that stuff for when video comes out. And. And we did get somebody to agree to talk to us. And that person is coming on in just a few minutes. Her name is Stacy McCandlish. The identity has not been hidden. She's another one of our old friends from Huntington Woods. And I think, you know, the interesting thing about it is as tough as some family situations, and of course, we've had some of ours as well, nothing too major, but it's tough to talk about.
She has been willing to come on and talk about challenges that she's had in her experience. And her experience is also very unique. And you'll hear all about it in a second.
[00:07:22] Speaker B: Yeah. And I also think it is fair to say that she even starts with this. So spoiler alert that her insight into it later was, yes, there was a lot of drama that was happening at the time between her and her siblings as it related to the care of their parents. And I think that with time and with clarity, she was able to see that they could find a way to work through it. But when you're in the moment of it, it really feels like, oh, my gosh, we're facing these horrible challenges pretty rapidly. And then also we're not in full agreement as to how to work our way through it to be Fair. I think you and I really wanted her to dish some real dish, and she handled it with beauty and grace. We'll talk about that in the post. But, yes, I appreciated the fact that she was willing to come on and talk about this extreme situation with her parents and how everything just jumped at them at once, and they had to make these really quick decisions and come together to do that, and that isn't always easy. I think that I would imagine it's probably more the norm than the exception that siblings don't get along through every single step of this phase, and it's hard to manage that dynamic.
[00:08:38] Speaker C: So without further ado. Coming up in a second is Stacy. In the meantime, here's Mom.
[00:08:47] Speaker E: Sing, Mom.
[00:08:48] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:08:51] Speaker A: When you see everybody's movie.
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue and the dreams that you're hearing Always will come to you.
[00:09:20] Speaker D: Yeah. So, yeah, I had thought about it, and I realized that I could actually speak about it and how the three of us managed it without bringing in our own garbage, if that makes any sense.
[00:09:34] Speaker F: That's beautiful and impressive.
[00:09:36] Speaker D: Yeah. And I. Because I think in hindsight, if I were to give some grace to all three of us, I think we did an unbelievable job given an unbelievable, horrible situation.
And. And it happened so quick.
Um, so, yeah, I can speak about it for sure.
[00:09:57] Speaker F: All right, well, perfect. Then I'm gonna start with your intro. We are so excited to have Stacey McCandlish with us today, who is. Well, really, you kind of came to us, or more or less came to us through Jill Schumacher, who is your lifelong bestie. We all know each other, but haven't seen each other in a gazillion years. We don't live in the same state, but Jill had shared with us just a tiny bit about your family situation. And then when we reached out to you and you said you were willing to come on and chat with us on the pod, think that you're a perfect person to chat with for exactly what we just started with, which is that you've had, you know, lots of trials and tribulations with your parents and situations with siblings, which we've discussed in many episodes of the pods, that not all siblings are always symbiotic in this scenario, if I'm using the correct word, it's not always smooth sailing. We feel fortunate in our family, but we know that we've talked about so many times that that's not the norm. So first of all, welcome, Stacey. Thank you for joining us.
[00:11:03] Speaker D: Thank you. Thank you. It's so. It's so Nice to see you guys. Thank you.
[00:11:07] Speaker E: And it should be mentioned that, you know, we had made the shout out to the community after we had talked about a lot of family dynamic, caregiving situations. Is there anybody that had some more challenging situations? And Stacy was kind enough to offer to talk about, about her situation.
Unfortunately, she's agreed to use her real name. We had a whole CIA hide your identity protocol ready to go, ready to call you Jane. It was all set up. But fine, if you're willing to use your real name, I guess we'll just.
[00:11:40] Speaker F: Hear also Jane, your resurgence as a popular name. So I don't even know if we could use Jane as like a, you know, obviously hidden name anymore.
[00:11:49] Speaker B: Stacey, will you.
[00:11:50] Speaker F: Can you kind of fill us in just a general overview of the situation with your parents, your family dynamic, et cetera?
[00:11:58] Speaker D: Yeah.
And let me know if it becomes run on. I'm going to try to keep it kind of clear and concise, but essentially what happened with. So my parents lived out here in Seattle. They live actually an hour away from me. They lived in Mount Vernon. I live in Seattle. And then my brother lives in Sammamish.
So he was an hour and a half away from my parents. And then my sister still lives in Michigan. So, you know, for years I had been talking with my parents about what do you want to do, what, you know, if you needed care, what would that look like? And because I work in the medical field, I was really, really the one communicating all of that with them. I, a long time ago got power of attorney for both healthcare and financial.
So I was really grateful that for that, you know, that that happened. But my parents, probably, like a lot of other people, didn't make plans, didn't want to think about it, couldn't get their head around it, didn't. Couldn't really visualize what does it mean, what would it look like if I needed care, didn't plan for it, the usual.
Right. What most people experience.
And then the crisis happened.
Last February, I had been kind of deep down inside feeling like things weren't right because my brother and I lived far away from them. I would FaceTime them and things just seemed really off.
[00:13:41] Speaker F: And can I ask, in what way did they seem off to you?
[00:13:44] Speaker D: Well, I would do random facetimes at like 2 o' clock in the afternoon. And I would do it once a week or several times a week, but I would, I would, it would be a surprise. It was never scheduled. And my mom would be in her pajamas and it was 2 o' clock and what are you doing today? It was always some crazy story that basically was like, I'm doing nothing. And my. My dad walked into the. Was, I think, just hiding it or confused himself or in denial. Was hard to know. And they have their own dynamic. And my dad was trying to respect my mom, but. But the long story short is that she was losing her mind.
And by the time I showed up, it was in February.
I had gone into her bedroom, and my mom gave away most of her clothing, and she had, like 10 black T shirts and one pair of shoes.
And when I confronted my dad, he's like, well, you know, your mom wanted to give it away.
And he wasn't cluing in. She wasn't tracking. And then I said to my mom, do you feel confused? And she said, yes, and I don't know why.
And that was it. That was the beginning.
So we went to the doctor, and she was diagnosed with dementia.
And then. I don't. It's kind of fuzzy between the diagnosis and then the movement of placing them into senior care initially. Well, so they had talked about wanting to be in senior care in Columbus, Ohio. That's where my dad's from. They have a large network of friends there. My mom's from Cleveland. We have family there. My sister's there in Michigan. Close. What happened was she was diagnosed, and then they both just had these complete meltdowns. And my mom was becoming afraid of my dad, and my dad wanted to move to Columbus, but neither one of them could figure out how to manage any of it. And. And that was it. We, pretty quickly, we all had. We all had roles leading up to this moment. I always knew that I was going to be managing the medical stuff.
Like, I was going to be the interface between whatever needed to happen, whether it was hospitals or hiring care. My sister, who lives far away, was really. She had more financial means, so she was going to be the one that would organize everything financially.
And then my brother was gonna be the more practical person. And it literally, like, the physical stuff, what do you need? I'll come. Let me move it.
And it kind of all imploded at once. And all three of us basically came to the table and all of our roles just kind of shifted into high gear. The minute my mom and my mom didn't say this, but the minute my dad said, we wanna go back to Columbus, that was it. My sister, it was like Ghostbusters.
She was like, dad, you've been looking at places. Give me the names. Cause he had a friend that owned all these senior Living care places in Columbus. She looked at a couple of them.
[00:17:14] Speaker F: She didn't like interject by saying, Columbus is not around the block from Michigan. It's still three to four hours away.
[00:17:21] Speaker D: I think it was four or five.
[00:17:23] Speaker F: Yeah. It means none of you will be living near your parents. And now they're moving farther away from her than they were from either you. You and your brother.
[00:17:32] Speaker D: Yes. That's like the last part of the journey. That's the grief part. They were unclear about how to live this final phase of their life.
They had no plans, like I said. They had no community where they were living. And my brother and I were an hour away. I think the bottom line was that we realized that we couldn't create joy for my parents.
We couldn't drive an hour, two hours every day in horrible SE Seattle traffic to come up there and create happiness for them.
They needed to be in a place where they felt happy and safe. So my sister.
[00:18:14] Speaker E: And if I can ask, during this time, physically, they're completely independent. They're walking around under their own power and driving and all that stuff.
[00:18:23] Speaker D: No, that was that. It was almost like the diagnosis happened.
The incredible stress of things were changing.
My mom was hospitalized with pneumonia and then sundowning, while we were trying to sell their house, my dad was hospitalized with sepsis. We hired care.
They would show up and my mom would say, I am so busy today, thank you.
And they would be like, we can't. What can't? And I'm an hour away and my brother's freaking out. My dad is not tracking. So it was just my mom wasn't driving. My dad was driving. Shouldn't have been, but he was. So, no, things were not well. I actually took a leave of absence from my work for three months. And I was going up there every day, preparing their meals, getting their medications.
I mean, it was not sustainable, let's put it that way.
My gosh. So. So, yeah, but. So my sister found the place in Columbus. I did all the interface with the place and signing the documents for my dad. I was dealing with the medical stuff. And then my brother and his wife were doing all the other practical stuff, getting rid of stuff in the house and, you know, and then helping me get my mom and dad on the plane. It was pretty awful.
[00:19:51] Speaker F: They were four days out of the hospital when you got them on a plane, meaning they went. Because often when elderly people end up in the hospital, they may end up in rehab after because they lose some functionality. And that's always been our experience. And the Experience of most people, not to mention the Sundowners, only adds to the confusion of they're so out of whack in terms of any kind of body rhythm and schedules cannot. And then you're taking them from Seattle to Columbus, now you've got a three hour time change and all of these other. I can't even imagine the spectacle that was involved in that.
[00:20:30] Speaker E: Can someone. For our audience and me, what exactly is sundowning?
[00:20:35] Speaker F: The premise is that if you take someone who already has cognitive issues and you put them in a hospital, for instance, it could be a rehab setting as well, but something where they're not on their usual schedule and so they have no real basis of now it's breakfast, now it's lunch, now it's dinner. Maybe there's windows, but maybe they're closed or maybe blinds are closed. And so dad, this used to happen to our dad every single time he was in the hospital. He would go in a little confused and then during his time there he would become completely disoriented because there was nothing regular about the schedule. And by the time it was time for him to leave the hospital, his confusion was to the point of almost full blown all out Alzheimer's. And you know, he couldn't, he couldn't communicate. I mean his was severe, but times where he couldn't get up and walk and that's why he would often have to go from a hospital to a rehab center to kind of re acclimate. And even in the rehab center it wouldn't often change things. It wasn't until he would get home and he would be home for maybe a couple days, it could be a week before he finally started to kind of regain an understanding of who he was and where he was. But with every hospital visit that got worse and worse.
[00:21:48] Speaker D: So there was a lot that happened during that time period. And my brother and I were switching nights and one of us would sleep up at my parents house to kind of either take care of my dad while my mom was in the hospital or then when my mom was out of the hospital, take care of her because my dad went into the hospital right after that. I think it was like the implosion of the stress of life is changing. They're moving, they were selling the house. So they had to every day, you know, pull it together and get out of the house while people were looking at it. And it just was, it was just too much for them. There was literally one nonstop flight from Seattle to Columbus because it's just not a common route we got on that one flight, and my parents were not in great condition, but my brother and I made this executive decision that this was it. We had to go.
We had already been paying on the facility since March, the beginning of March, and we didn't get them on a plane until the end of April. So there was just so much going on with the two of them that we just. My brother said. He just said to me, this. This is our window. And then the plane ride was very challenging, but. And that's when the silent retreat came in. I didn't realize that on Alaska Airlines, that I never flew on, that they didn't have TVs, and I didn't bring an iPad or anything for my mom to watch tv. And so we get on the plane, we're literally in the first row. It's like, get on, get off. And my mom is next to me, and she is just looping nonstop.
Nonstop. I don't even know what she was saying.
It was stress, anxiety, confusion. And I just finally looked at her and I said, mom, let's pretend we're on a silent retreat.
And she thought, I love that.
[00:23:54] Speaker E: That's great.
[00:23:56] Speaker D: And then she would sit and pretend like she was meditating.
And then, you know, half an hour later, she would loop up again, and I would say, how's that silent retreat? I love that.
So, wow, great idea. Yeah. So they're there in Columbus, and the power of community, the power of safety, the power of now all your meals are being taken care of.
I just. The stress of all of it. They are so happy.
[00:24:32] Speaker E: Wow.
[00:24:32] Speaker D: They are so happy. My mom, you know, is not better, but she's happy.
Just. That's the point.
[00:24:42] Speaker F: So you were saying that there were issues between your siblings. I would imagine this is an incredibly stressful time. And even though everybody plays a role, can you talk a little bit about how that went down?
[00:24:56] Speaker D: Yeah.
You know, we all have different relationships with our parents. My brother is very, very, very with my dad. They're kind of like the same person. They look exactly alike.
Very close. He had a really hard time with this. And my sister and I were kind of goal oriented, moving quickly, and my. My brother wanted to kind of take a beat and. Are we sure is this the right thing?
You know, just really, really having a hard time with it. And. And then, you know, and that was hard because he's got two sisters that are. What do you call it? Intense, controlling. I don't know.
[00:25:40] Speaker F: Is that what you call it?
[00:25:42] Speaker E: I don't call it that. I feel like all Three of us have our own opinions, but. Yeah, yeah, that was fairly amicable for us, but go on.
[00:25:51] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah, But. But, you know, I think again, in hindsight, even though we. We had our moments of, like. Except our own extreme anxiety and grief and kind of fight, it's almost like you were kids again.
[00:26:11] Speaker F: Yes.
[00:26:11] Speaker D: And just the intensity, that was hard. And I mean, I think had things been slowly decompensating over time, maybe we would have had more time to settle into it and.
And figure out how we're gonna handle each other.
And then, you know, my sister was far away, so it wasn't just my brother. I was, you know, I was in the middle of a lot of this, and I was the medical representative, and when my dad was in the hospital, my sister would look at details in his medical record, and then she would get, you know, she's far away. So she was, you know, upset. What's going on? Why aren't you calling me? And it was like, trying to manage that. Trying to manage my parents.
[00:27:01] Speaker F: Were you guys finding that maybe you were almost expressing some of your grief through battling it out with each other as opposed to.
Yeah, I would imagine that's pretty.
[00:27:12] Speaker D: Absolutely, absolutely. And.
And I think because so much had to change so quickly, we didn't have time to say, oh, wow, this feels sad.
[00:27:26] Speaker F: It's gotta be very traumatic that for both of you, that your parents are across the country. I mean, do you. Do you see them? Are you.
[00:27:35] Speaker D: We do. Well, we have to do, obviously, visits. We fly there, my brother and I, and my sister goes down more often. It's easier for her to get in the car.
[00:27:46] Speaker F: So it almost seems like you're sorry. Your sister sort of taken up the helm of a lot of what she hadn't been doing because it wasn't her fault. She lived far away. Sort of similar to our dynamic in that Andrew really jumped two feet in after living away for so long. But now that new dynamic, it's a lot. It's a lot of work. Especially for your sister, who's not right nearby, right?
[00:28:08] Speaker D: Absolutely. But I think. Well, I think a couple of things. I think seeing how happy my parents are right now and just the things that they're doing, the connections that they're making. My dad has a lot of friends from high school that he sees in Columbus. I mean, the transformation really outweighs, like, their happiness and safety really outweighs, I think, at least for me, some of the grief and loss and the happiness that they could create for themselves.
And how lucky are you?
[00:28:45] Speaker E: I'M very lucky because we put mom into an assisted living home. And the immediate reaction was, like you said, stress relief. She's safe, she's getting fed.
But it wasn't over. Like, there was a lot of work that needed to happen, and ultimately, of course, we moved her out of there, but it wasn't a complete release. And so it sounds like your facility is great in that way. They seem to be doing a great job.
[00:29:11] Speaker F: Also, your parents, or your dad at least, was in a position where he could still make a decision and feel some autonomy, which is rare and wonderful. And what a. What a. As. As challenging as all of this was, and especially to do all of this in such a short period of time, how fortunate that this worked out the way it did because you could see this going a million different directions. So my question for you is, if you.
What advice do you have for people who are going through similar situations?
And yours is an extreme. But still the move and the sibling dynamic and all of these pieces. What would you tell people that could help them in their situation?
[00:29:55] Speaker D: Yeah, I mean, that's such a great question, and I've really thought a lot about that.
And, you know, it's my favorite word. It's complicated.
I mean, one of the things that I think, in hindsight, even though I didn't realize that I was doing it, I think having conversations early with your parents, like, I got power of attorney 10 years ago, and everything was immediate.
And so it wasn't like if they're deemed incompetent. So I got that all of that settled a long time ago, and I would have the conversations with them, like, and perhaps because I'm a little bit more comfortable with death, I'm around it a lot.
In the work that I do, I would ask them, what do you want?
What does care look like for you? Do you want to be in a care facility?
And even though their answers were always like, they didn't want to talk about it, but it was like years of planting the seed. The flip side, too, is also knowing all the resources, which is a little bit complicated as well. There are things like, for instance, my dad's a vet, and we. I applied for aid in attendance, which. Who even knows about that?
Through the Veterans Administration. The application took four months. Granted. But you got aid in attendance, so it's. Aid in attendance is.
It's financial assistance to help veterans and their spouse if they ever need, like, higher levels of care, like assisted living or skilled nursing care.
You have to satisfy some requirements. As far as the veteran like their service and then there's some financial limits and then it's also based on diagnosis. And even though my dad, for all intents and purposes, we don't feel like he's tracking very well, but he doesn't have a diagnosis, but my mom does. So they eventually got financial assistance to help pay for the senior care through the Veterans Administration.
Yeah. And then also really, really grateful that I have a brother in law that is business savvy and he was always on the zoom sessions with the facility, negotiating some of the costs, which a lot of people don't realize they can do.
I mean, yeah, you're right.
[00:32:40] Speaker F: I would never, it would never occur to me to even have that conversation about negotiating costs.
[00:32:45] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:32:46] Speaker F: I think also sounds like despite, and this is true for every sibling and certainly true for yours, you're in your feelings and you are immersed in that and now you're having to make decisions that are not at all about you. And I think it seems like being able to put that aside and say, listen, I don't want my parents moving all the way across country, but I know that for A, B, C and D reasons, this is the best for them. I will have to find a way through that.
As opposed to, you know, putting your foot down and saying, well, no, this, this can't happen. That selflessness really sounds pervasive in your family situation, despite everybody's initial feelings and probably led to a far more successful outcome than what could have happened if you had to battle your way through every last decision.
[00:33:34] Speaker E: Yeah, I think question on top of that, it seems like with a lot of these things are hard to accept. And it sounds like at least your brother at certain times had to be dragged along a little bit in getting to where you guys made decisions on some things to happen. Was there any instances where you felt, okay, I don't necessarily want this to happen, but I can see that the other two do. So I'm going to do it and go along with it and be okay with it.
[00:34:02] Speaker D: My sister and I were very clear that this was the right thing to do. I think with my brother, it was.
He just, he was having a hard time, but I think he ultimately knew this was the right thing to do. I think he's still sad. I mean, I'm still sad too, you know, when I FaceTime them. And I think, you know, it'd be nice to just go over there and hang out. I mean, I love hanging out in that facility, to be honest. I love it.
[00:34:32] Speaker F: Amazing. You're very fortunate for that.
[00:34:35] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:34:36] Speaker F: Okay. We don't want to take up too much more of your time, but your story's really an incredible journey from. I mean, in total, from the point of your mother's diagnosis to their stepping foot in Columbus.
[00:34:49] Speaker B: What was the timeframe?
[00:34:51] Speaker D: Three months.
[00:34:53] Speaker F: I mean, that's.
[00:34:54] Speaker D: Yeah. So it was like diagnosis, finding a facility, selling a home, two hospitalizations, a plane ride, and got them there.
Yeah.
[00:35:06] Speaker F: Well, on a happy note, at least your mother had already gotten rid of all of her clothes, so you didn't have to worry about having to narrow that down. Packing must have been very simple in that respect.
[00:35:16] Speaker D: Well, it was funny because packing became complicated with somebody with dementia because we would pack on a Monday and go back up there on Tuesday, and my mom would have clothing in the wash that was supposed to be in a box.
[00:35:32] Speaker F: I know the story. Yes. Yeah, I used to pack my mom when we used to send her to LA to visit my brother. I would pack her ahead of time so she would have, you know, a say in what she was taking. And then I would take the suitcase to my house. I wouldn't let her back at it because I'd be starting from scratch right as I was ready to pick her up from the airport.
[00:35:51] Speaker D: That's the best.
[00:35:52] Speaker F: The airport. And, yeah, that. That was.
[00:35:55] Speaker B: It was a disaster.
[00:35:56] Speaker F: I. I really admire all that your siblings did to come together in a rare way to do what's right for your parents, and I'm glad that it's working out so beautifully for all of you. What a. What a hopeful end to that part of that journey. And now onto the next journey.
[00:36:15] Speaker D: Exactly.
[00:36:17] Speaker F: We really appreciate you sharing your story with us, so.
[00:36:20] Speaker D: Yeah. Thanks, you guys. Absolutely. It's, number one, great to see you guys. And number two, I'm. I think it's great that you have this podcast.
Really, people, family members, are really alone with this stuff, and they don't know what to do, and then a major crisis happens, and. And it.
[00:36:40] Speaker E: It.
[00:36:40] Speaker D: It is hard.
It is hard.
[00:36:43] Speaker F: Yeah. Yeah, it is, for sure. I mean, that was really our impetus for starting this. We.
[00:36:47] Speaker B: We.
[00:36:48] Speaker F: We knew so many people in our positions and creating some solidarity, and like you said, community in whatever form is really the way to do it.
[00:36:59] Speaker E: Community, indeed. That is the key.
Great chat. Honestly, not that much drama between you and your siblings. I feel like you guys managed it beautifully.
I was looking for more arguments or horror stories. We didn't get any of that. It's a lot.
[00:37:12] Speaker D: Yeah. No, I think deep down inside, I mean, I'm not telling you about the screaming fights we had with each other. But I think.
I think we're all good now. I think we're really good. I think it was.
It was.
It was intense, complicated grief, everything.
So just really, really thankful it only lasted three months, let's put it that way.
[00:37:37] Speaker F: Amazing. It's amazing.
[00:37:40] Speaker D: Yeah. Thanks, you guys. I appreciate you guys.
[00:37:43] Speaker E: Yeah. Great to reconnect with you and thank you. We'll talk to you later. For now, for the audience, of course, coming up is. I'm playing a tune.
[00:37:53] Speaker A: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Janice Happy birthday to you.
[00:38:11] Speaker B: And we are back following a very interesting conversation with Stacy and just the story of how everything just got thrown at them. It almost felt like there was nothing significant happening with her parents. And all of a sudden, there was everything significant happening with her parents, including a cross country move to a place where none of the kids in her family lived. I mean, I just can't even imagine working through that. I mean, it was hard enough when we moved mom to a place that was, you know, 20 minutes away, and I had to make that commute there. And I can't even imagine that mom doesn't live in the same state as any of them. And I also kind of love the fact that her friends, her parents had friends who lived there. And that was one of the big choices for why they wanted to go there. How lucky for them that they had this community to move to.
[00:39:04] Speaker C: Yeah, that's similar to our rare situation where we moved mom home after being in a senior home. That one also has got to be in the minority of situations where when it's time to move them into a senior home, you move them across country where none of the immediate family live. Like we were in that senior home. Every other day, one of us doing something. And to try to imagine them being kind of alone is odd, but it seems to be working for them.
[00:39:32] Speaker B: Yeah, actually. And I did follow up because we did record this with Stacy a while back. I followed up with her just to.
[00:39:38] Speaker F: See how things were going.
[00:39:39] Speaker B: And it is the most perfect scenario. Her parents are happy. They're getting the care that they need. Her mom needs more care than her dad does. They have settled in. They have a community of people and they're thriving, which is so lucky because, you know, Stacy, I think, was very careful to handle the conversation about what went on with her siblings with a lot of generosity of spirit. You know, I think in the moment, things were coming at them right and left. And two are on one side of the country, though not right near each other, and another is in the Midwest. And there's just a lot of crazy dynamics that were happening. And I know that she wanted to be careful about how she addressed that with her siblings, but it seemed that in the end, despite all of that, it worked out. It became the best situation that it could possibly be for her parents. Maybe part of the lesson is that while you're in the moment, everything just seems like it's going wrong or fraught with a lot of drama. And in the end, how fortunate that it all worked out exactly how it was supposed to work out. Almost as if you were sort of supposed to go through this process to get where you needed to be.
[00:40:54] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:40:54] Speaker C: And maybe it was unrealistic for us to think that somebody was going to air their dirty laundry on a podcast, even with the identity hidden if we did that, because it's difficult to talk about. And I hope I'm not talking out of turn, Stacy, by saying that there was definitely some things that went on that you didn't feel comfortable sharing because, you know, it wasn't that important. And in the end, you guys suffice to say, worked through some difficult times, which isn't easy to do, and I commend you for that. And just as a reminder, way back when, episode one with Kelly, when I asked her for the informal stat of how many of the families of the hundred guests that she managed in the senior home, how many of those families got along versus didn't get along, and she said the figure was one third that got along. So, like, I mean, most families don't have easy sailing with these decisions and reaching alignment, which is really half the battle. I mean, God knows if you're making the right decision when you have alignment, as we've experienced, but. But when you can't even get alignment, that's a tough situation. And Stacy and her family has done a great job in getting to alignment on really interesting and difficult decisions, and so good for them.
[00:42:07] Speaker F: I know.
[00:42:07] Speaker B: I agree. Can we talk about a silent retreat?
[00:42:11] Speaker E: Sure.
[00:42:12] Speaker B: I love how Stacy gets on the plane with her mother and there's no entertainment, no video. I don't think she had, you know, a headset to listen to music. And her mom was spiraling, and it's a long flight, like five hours maybe.
And she made that statement. She said, mom, let's pretend that we're on a silent retreat.
And she just had to keep doing that every half an hour or so. Brilliant, brilliant idea. And it worked for her. And now I feel like I don't know. Maybe that should be something that we should just sort of work into our vernacular, that when things just feel like they are spiraling and we are struggling, maybe we just all say to ourselves, okay, we're going on a silent retreat and see if that brings us some serenity. I like it a lot.
[00:42:58] Speaker E: Well.
[00:42:59] Speaker C: And what she's saying is, basically, let's meditate, which is something I do regularly and something I certainly encourage anyone who's not doing to do, even for a few minutes at a time. It doesn't have to be in a quiet room in the lotus position with Indian flute music playing. You know, you can be waiting for your plane at the airport or anywhere and just die to take a few minutes. You don't have to close your eyes because people might, you know, wondering what's going on. But, like, you can be silent and be present and just watch your breathing, and that's enough. That's meditation, and it's very powerful. It's very useful. So whether it's someone with dementia who doesn't realize they're yelling and screaming at the top of their lungs, or just talking loudly like mom often does out loud, or you're someone dealing with all this stuff, being a caregiver, a little meditation here and there goes a long way. Highly recommended.
[00:43:51] Speaker B: That's impressive. You meditate every day?
[00:43:54] Speaker C: Not every day, but most days.
[00:43:56] Speaker B: And you really get in there. Like, you. You get into it.
[00:43:59] Speaker C: Yeah. I use this. This app called Insight Timer, and it's great. I mean, there's a bunch of apps out there, but you can, like, just do a timer, which is mostly what I do, but I also have some monks that give me a guided meditation sometimes that. That do really interesting things that make it just. You never feel worse after? Never.
[00:44:18] Speaker B: That's amazing. I try it. My head is so busy. I know it's something every. I do say to myself constantly, all right, you've got to really try this. So. All right, I'm going to try it this week. I'll report back to you in the next pod and let you know.
[00:44:29] Speaker C: Yeah. Just so you know, the head being busy is completely normal. Like, you're not expected to not have thoughts. Like, the mind doesn't go blank. The trick is to be an omniscient observer of those thoughts and recognize them. Like, you're kind of sitting by the side of a river watching things flow by, and you're like, oh, I see that. I'm going to just let that nudge along, and just being conscious of it and identifying it usually starts to let them move away. And that in itself is useful.
[00:44:56] Speaker B: Okay, I like it.
I will take that on as my project of the week. I'm going to work on some meditating.
[00:45:03] Speaker C: All right, good luck and thank you all for listening. Again, if you have anything you want to say whatsoever, any other topics that we should cover, thoughts, questions, comments, and yes, criticism is okay too, even though I'm not sure what there is to criticize, because it's all going just so beautifully and everybody loves us. But if you do have criticisms, feel free to email
[email protected] and I know that by now you all know that there's all the different ways you can do that. And it will get to us because we have everything reserved and ready to be received.
[00:45:40] Speaker B: Thank you to Sarah. Also, we want to just point out that obviously we don't charge for podcasts. We don't ask you to give anything to listen. But we thrive on the subscribe button. So if you could listen, like share, subscribe, give us a positive review, leave feedback, all of those pieces help us to spread the word of the pod, which are the whole purpose is to create a community of listeners.
[00:46:07] Speaker F: Either those who are caregivers or those.
[00:46:09] Speaker B: Who might be thrust into it, or those who are just interested in hearing what we have to say.
The more shares, the better. And we would appreciate that.
[00:46:19] Speaker C: Alrighty. And once again, here's mom to play us out.
[00:46:25] Speaker A: Do a dear female deer ray A bust of golden sun me a name I call myself flemository A needle full in bread la A note to follow so tea a drinking salmon bread Then we'll grow to see tonight.
[00:47:08] Speaker F: Nice job, mom.
